This is VERY important
I am NOT, I repeat, NOT, going to snuff out my existence. There is no way, shape or form that I would come to such an end. I know the fear is there based on that which rocked this community in other times. I will not put this community through that again. I will NOT.
I am sad. I am grieving. I have suffered a great loss. It's OK. I'm SUPPOSED to be sad. I am NOT going to get over it with a snap of the fingers. I'm going to seem OK for a while and then, just like that, something will send me rebounding back into the sadness. It is NOT depression. I do NOT need a happy pill to make it all go away. I do NOT need "professional" help. I am NOT crazy. There are those who are well meaning, but suggestions such as this are not helping me. My exhusband was hell bent on proving to anyone who would listen including myself that I was about to go off the deep end and required serious intervention. He was setting me up for a major fall. Mostly what I feel when I hear the well meaning tell me to see a doctor for meds is anger and betrayal. To me, it is like you are taking his side. I am NOT in a depression. I have been there before, I know the symptoms. I am not in denial.
I am going through a very NATURAL process in my own time. This is important. I am going to be sad. I am going to send ridiculously funny pictures to friends out of the blue. I am going to be angry. I am going to appear fine. I am going to be upset again. I am going to be OK. I am going to clench my fists and scream at the stars. I am going to hum with the rising sun. I do not know which way is up. I do not recognize myself. I am in a state of constant confusion. I am restructuring. I build up and then I tear down and build up again. Eventually I'm going to hit on something that FEELS comfortable about my shoulders. I am SUPPOSED to feel this way. It's part of the healing process.
So PLEASE, do not think I will off myself. I am very anti suicide. Hugely so. I am also very anti medication unless absolutely necessary. I am going to be fine eventually, not today. Not tomorrow, and not even the next day. I was with this man for almost twenty years. He pushed me through hell and I am clawing my way back ON MY OWN TERMS. I have never been on my own. I don't know who I am anymore. It is not going to be a quick adjustment. It will probably be another two years on top of the two I have just been through. I would love to say "Don't worry", but I know that won't help. So I will ask that you don't worry so much. HUG ME occasionally. It's OK that I am grieving. It's OK that I am sad. Let me be sad. OK?