Wham! It hits me...

...the realization that I may never see some of these people again. I never really thought about it before but this weekend it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was sitting on the hill talking to my grandmother. She is so light now, so small. That is what I noticed. When I hug her she fits under my chin. She's such a tiny woman. I've always thought of her as larger than life. Funny I never noticed how fragile and slight she was. We were talking about my cousin (who's wedding we were celebrating that day). We were talking about visits we used to have. We were talking about life. We talked about alot of things. I was sharing my excitement for the upcoming move and all the changes it would mean when she just stopped and stared at me.

"You're moving?"

I know I told her. I know my parents told her and also my cousins and my uncle. It was a pretty hot topic of conversation because this was also a gathering to say goodbye to us and safe journey. She looked at me with eyes that were so childlike, a crisp clear light blue, so innocent and so sad too.

My uncle said"yes, zwetschgerle is moving, we told you."

She had forgotten. Her eyes got misty but she didn't let tears fall, like a child who doesn't want another to witness a momentary weakness. I'm not sure if it was because I was moving or because she had forgotten but she hugged me like Heather hugged me when I left her at camp. Like it would be the last hug she may ever get. Or ever give. Like she never wanted to let me go. The same hug I got from each of the daycare kids as they left my daycare for good. A hug to last forever. Then it hit me... I may never see her again.

A price for opening a new chapter

(an excerpt taken from my journal 8/22/00)