Your bag will never be first in line at the baggage claim. I don't care how important you are, it's never gonna be the first one.

You will occasionally hear cries at night from the street. Don't look out the window. Your uncle vanished when he looked.

You will occasionally see people on the street that are hollow. Step into them for a while and control their lives. It's fun.

You're never going to avoid being stopped and questioned by police when you visit Harlem. They see your dark skin. They peg you. Empty your hands and breathe deeply. Your goal is to come back home alive to me.

You will never fully understand your neighbors. Sometimes it's better the less you know. Invest in earplugs.

You're never going to make it into the audience of the Daily Show. The line never moves. There are people in that line who have been there since 2003.

You will occasionally get into the audience for Al Roker's weather show. Avoid this if at all possible.

You will feel lonely in this massive city full of people, at least once.

Then you will find the Big Apple, and you will feel proud, and everyone will love you for five minutes, and then someone will steal it and the hunt will begin again. Do not despair. The city needs this ritual.

Someday, you will not need me. Someday, you will not have me. it may be soon. Remember all i have told you, and be ready. The City awaits you.