So, we're inna goddam dress store. It was across the street from the one of the last places we did the turn-over for, you know, a make-ready on 4111 Walnut, ain't that right Bob? I remembered there was that locked up cigar shop but it's stocked like a GROCERY store. I says "Hey, Bri, let's you me n' Amy hit up that cigar shop for supplies." He says "okay" and we take the car.
Anyways, long story short, Brian slips up and I don't see the guy comin'. I'm grabbin' cans and detergent and the next thing I know some naked 250-pound bearded guy lookin' like Tex Cobb starts TEARin' my clothes off. Fuck, it coulda BEEN Tex Cobb; you know he lived around West Philly even after doin' those movies? Saw him at the 7-11 buyin' cigarettes, swear ta God. What, you mean you ain't seen Raising Arizona? Any-way, lucky me, and just before my clothes were all tatters, Bri clocks 'im on the head witha baseball bat and we bind him with some electrical cords, lock him inna back room.
So I'm lookin' around for some clothes, nothing. Brian's scannin' around for anyone else who mighta spotted us. Amy's collectin' the shit inna back. Bri shouts "Don't come out, Jerry ain't decent," y'know. She shouts back "I already knew that", jesus, COME ON, I tellya she don't ever let up. And then of course SHE comes up with the idea, "Why don't you try the dress shop??" Geeze. Why not? So we, me an' Bri, run across the street, I'm hangin' onna what's left of my shirt an' pants for dear life, and we run inta that dress shop.
What caused all the naked people? Don't your parents teach you nothing, it started with that nano-tech-na-logy they kept puttin' inna movies around then. Couldn't see a movie with that crap in it "Oh, the nano-tech-NAlagie's gonna bring down society." What is it, li-ttle tIn-y robots. You know robots, but rea-lly small, like smaller than your eyelash. Smaller than what you can see on my fingertip. That's what a NANobot is.
There was a company right here inna city called AppearoTech that was developin' the technology. I think the buildin' was off Market. Yeah, Market and JFK. They were developin' little tiny nano-bots that would clean your clothes, while you were wearin' 'em, while you weren't. Ain't that something.
So wouldn't you know it, ain't the nanobots that does it at all. It's a goddam wizard. I'm tellin' you the truth, a wizard. Well, we didn't know they were real until that day, January 30th, 2011. EV-reybody was sayin' 2012, like ol' George Roberts. Hey, I wonder what happened ta him, 'ey Bob. Maybe Tex Cobb gott'im. The wizard's name was named Anton Luxavie, I remember 'cause I saw him on CNN rantin'. I liked ta stay abreast of the news in those days, and CNN was puttin' ANYone on their shows, gibberin' like crazy so I see it and just think "Aw, here we go."
Anyway, he was talkin' about gettin' swindled out of stocks because the AppearoTech stocks had gone bust after the Oilicane sunk New Orleans for the third time and Obama finally caved and started liquidatin' private companies for cash ta pay the national guard ta fight the TLA and still have enough left over ta fight Pakistan. So this Anton Luxavie starts babblin' in that bullshit wizard language like outta your Harry Potter or something "Non Clothes-o" or whatever and Next thing I know I'm com-pletely naked.
Turns out the brain can't handle that kind of mental stress or whatever. TOO MUCH stimuli. People see that much flesh in person, in a second, well, I guess they get, whatcha call it, saturated. Or maybe it was just that wizard. That's it, we were SA-tur-ated, en-CHANT-ed with TOO MUCH sex all at once. The lucky bastards who kept their SANITY were indoors by themselves. I guess not TOO many people by themselves on a Friday night, but, hey, Us losers kept our sanity, so go figure.
I guess the real irony is that the conservatives woulda claimed this would happen, 'cause they hated nudity, but then the gay rights people and the psychologists were sayin' for years that pent up sexuality drives you nuts. There you go; the apocalypse ha-ppened because the conservatives and gays was both RIGHT at the same time. You feelin' me on that on, Bob? Ha-ha, look at 'im.
Alright, you got it? BACK TO the story. So, I'm lookin' around that dress shop now for just a stitch of clothing. Bri's crackin' up, but he ain't lookin'. Not that I'd think he was gay or nothing but, after that wizard, if you stare at naked people too long, you start gettin' unhinged and you're more of a target for that fucked up mass of naked people ROAMin' the streets, GRABin' ya places you don't wannemta grab ya. Then you can get caught up in it, and well. Well, you don't do anything else after that. Just run around screamin' and goin' at it like dogs inna streets.
BRIan's gigglin' over there. I can't find no full clothes to cover up all my business. He says "Hey we don't have much time, put that one on." It's damn ballgown! A foam-green, sequined BALLgown. I say "I'm not puttin' that on." He says "You better, there ain't any time." Fuck it, I put it on. Didn't fit right, I'm a little short on the chest here, see, but it did the trick.
Bri's like "Hey, Jerry, the apocalypse is no time to be wearin' a ballgown" I'm like "shut up, Bri." Then Amy comes in she's like "Ooh la-la" and I says "shut up, Amy." Anyway, Amy says she saw a mob of 'em comin' up the street outside. So I says, "Well, I got the dress, I'm gonna show 'em how I can dance." Yeah, that's what I said, Bob.
We get our paintball guns, cause that's all you need ta handle them freaks. We aren't talkin' 'bout a group of zombies from your 28 Days Later, or even the old one, these are just some people. If you ever get hit witha paintball gun WITH clothes, you can guess what it feels like without clothes on. Drops 'em flat. I say, "Whoo I pancaked 'im." We knock a few down and we're inna car and outta there. Brian kept in-SIST-ing I keep the dress, Amy eggin' 'im on like she always does, but NO sir and NO ma'am.
Anyway, I'm surprised you kids don't know all that, your parents don't teach you nothing. That's what happened and that's why you don't wear no CLOTHES on Saturdays. I ain't makin' this shit up. The WIZARD's spell DIDdn't take.