I decided to node a my diary entry
for the day, So here goes:(note: I write to my diary exactly the same way I talk to a friend about me.)
Another day has passed and I still feel hollow. Nothing seems to make me feel happy nor sad. I found out I failed my midterm by 4% today, I sat down, stared at my paper and felt nothing. I cared, but still, nothing. As I walked out of the classroom I began to think to myself, is everything really finally in its place? Or am I just denying myself of the depression that I am bounded to? Perhaps I try too hard to get out of it, and now I feel hollow. Not empty, but hollow, neutral, as if I don't even feel any more emotions other than the love for my friends and those close to me. I used to believe that if I work and finally achieve contentment, I will be happy. And at this point in time I have everything that I need, everything that I want, I'm FINALLY content. And yet, where's the happiness? There was happiness at the beginning, but where is it now? Nothing has changed in the that period of time, so why don't I feel happy? I don't believe in true happiness anymore, maybe I was naive that I believed in it before. All that exists to me is that momentary happiness which I am only able to achieve once a week at most. But then again, who am I to complain...
I entered the math club after I got my midterm back hoping to find people who will make me feel wanted by talking to me. No luck, I know them, they're in a sense my "friends" but I was invisible. So I sat down and just starting thinking once again and concluded that I have no reason to live on. I have goals, a purpose, a future. And yet they mean nothing to me and I cannot explain why. I take pride in my hardwork to get me to University, and it's not like I'm going to flunk out (hopefully). But it does not feel as if it was important enough for me to keep living on for. What's a future if I am not happy? I am not living for myself anymore. I am living for those few people whom I acknowledge as my "true friends". Those who might actually feel sad if I died. I cannot let them feel sad because of me. I am not worthy of any of them in the first place, I do not deserve sadness for my death. So I cannot die, I will do anything for them, they cannot be unhappy. (I don't think that just made any sense...hmmm..-_-) But deep inside although they're my "true friends" I know they'll all eventually leave me, one by one, as if I was meant to be tortured. One has left me recently, "I Understand" his reason, and I accept it since I didnt' deserve him in the first place.
I look up, it's noisy, there are now lots of people in the room. All seemed to be welcomed but me, I am still just an invisible visitor. Sometimes I just wish I could hide myself from the world in a corner and just cry and cry and cry for the rest of my life. But I know that will never be able to happen. I tell myself: I must be strong, for those who care about me. I cannot let them feel unhappy just because I do. I am constantly wearing this mask, to show the world that I'm okay. But in reality I'm as weak and fragile as a newborn coming into this world.
Everytime I walk down the UBC campus I feel invisible, I am alone, one against this world. Then I wonder, if I die, will anyone care? If I die, will anyone even notice? My answer plagues me and sometimes I just feel as if I wish I was naive. Then I can live in a dream, my dream, and be happy. But I cannot, I am not a naive and optimistic person and I will never be able to become one. I fear death, but not because I will be dead, but because then I will be able to realize that no one really cares. Oh how I want someone to care, to make a difference in someone's life. And yet, I cannot, maybe there really is something wrong with me....