You, like many people, probably listen to the radio
. You probably own some compact disc
s. You probably have a favorite musical group
. What you probably do not realize is that a lot of the work done to create a popular album
is not done by an artist
, but by a producer
A music producer is someone who is responsible for getting an artist (or group of artists) to produce a compact disc that will make consumers want to dash to their music emporium of choice, purchase it, and leave trails of receipts, stickers, and shrink wrap to their stereo systems.
The first step for a pop producer is to find some artists to produce an album for. Artists are all over the place, but they are more concentrated in some areas than in others. A good place to look for an artist is Los Angeles, California. The artists will usually be in a place where music is being played and where alcohol is being served, but they need not be playing. They may just be hanging out. Approach the artist and tell them that you can make them a star. It helps to be dressed in ridiculous clothing when you approach them. If they do not respond at first, keep trying! If it appears that it is legal for them to drink, try to get them intoxicated. This will improve your chances of getting a positive response from them.
Be careful when selecting an artist. Try to ignore the music they are currently performing, if any, because you will be completely changing it later. Focus more on how they look, and ask yourself questions during the selection process. Do they look better in baggy jeans, or an extremely tight tank top? How many chrome .45s are they carrying, and are they shiny? Pay special attention to girls with large chests, and anyone carrying a guitar with decals stuck to it.
Once you have secured for yourself an artist, make them sign a contract. This is very important. The contract is the only thing that will make the artists want to give you their money when the album is finished. Keep in mind that artists do not like producers, but they are dependent on them to make real music.
The next step is to find a studio so that you can start recording the music. The music isn’t the most crucial part of your pop album, but it is still a good place to start. When selecting a studio, price, location, and reputation should be ignored. When visiting a prospective studio, check for exotic wood floors. Also make sure the equipment in the studio has lots of dials, buttons, sliders, and lights. Find a studio with multicolored lights if at all possible.
Invite the artist to the studio. When they arrive, check to see if any other musicians arrived with them. If this is the case, fire the other musicians immediately; they are not important. Replace them with studio musicians. Studio musicians are special musicians who have given up their reputations to make artists sound good. They are very expensive, but you must have them in order to be successful.
Begin recording by having the artist ‘do their thing’ while you watch. Bring an assistant along with you; they are available at your local unemployment office. Pretend to make comments to your assistant while the artist does their thing. Then speak to the artist privately. Before doing this, consider the genre of music you have chosen to produce. Point out to the artist all the ways in which they did not sound like other established artists in the genre you have selected for them. Constantly remind them how much talent they have, and how it would all be going to waste if you had not come to their rescue.
Work on song writing with your artist. If the artist does not have any lyrics, have them write some. When an artist writes lyrics, they usually attempt to write something about their life that they think other people should know about. These lyrics are usually not hip and need to be changed.
The following is an example of an artist's lyrics and how they can be made hip.
On a Sunday evening long ago,
My kitty named Fluffballs died,
Fluffballs is the sweetest kitty I know,
Every Sunday since, I have cried.
Notice how unhip
these lyrics are. No teenager
in their right mind
them in a locker room
. A more hip version would include several changes:
On a Saturday night, full of lust,
My main feline ‘Killer’ bit the dust,
Just to make sure he was not still alive,
I capped him in the head with my chrome .45 uhn!
Once you have recorded all the music, you need to edit
it. Make sure every finished song is three minutes and forty-eight seconds long. That way, you can fit exactly twenty songs onto one compact disc. After the songs are edited and sufficiently hip, send them to an engineer
to be mastered
. This process allows the music to sound rich and full on Barbie boom box
es and to make fenders rattle
on cars with minuscule factory installed speakers
. Also be sure to get a few extended dance remix
es of the material - that way you can release another album without having to do any more recording with your artist.
The most important step is the appearance of the album. First make sure your packaging is the coolest and hippest around. Hire a special graphics agency to take pictures of your artist in different kinds of clothes and hanging out with different kinds of people until you stumble upon just the right image. Be sure to include lyrics in the booklet, especially if your artist has a tendency to mumble or scream. If you reprint the lyrics to every song, the more likely it is that they will be hollered in locker rooms across the United States and Canada. The more locker room play you get, the more records you sell.
It is also necessary to find a record label to take the money from your artist that you haven’t taken. The record company will even mass produce and distribute the album for you. Check out the various logos that they offer (some companies have more than one) and select the one that goes best with your album’s artwork.
Try to get your artist on television. Don’t just limit your artist to channels that are dedicated to music. Public scandals, law suits, and stunts are great ways of getting artist exposed. Magazines can also work well. Stay away from non-colorful publications. If your artist is interviewed, try to speak for them. They don’t understand the process behind becoming a star as well as you do, and they might accidentally spoil their own career.
Contrary to popular belief, radio play will not help your artist. Radio is an extinct medium and will not allow anyone to see your artist’s large chest or chrome .45s.
When your artist gains national recognition, you should feel very proud of yourself. Always keep in mind that you have taken an otherwise unimportant person and made them a star. People everywhere will emulate the image that you have worked hard to forge. Your artist will be famous - at least for two weeks.