En mi vida faltas tu,
Y sin ti que triste estoy ...
-- Sparx

Golly. Ha venito al fin una epoca.

Monday night I emailed Nolan and asked him to read my last two daylogs, and deliver his verdict as to whether I am being too sensitive. I didn't, and still don't, think so. Well, he did think so, but also addressed the question of why we don't hang out together by telling me that my feelings for him do, in fact, make him uncomfortable, and as long as they continue, he won't be able to see much of me.

He was very gentle about it, and in the dead of night sent a series of messages reiterating that, and expressing that he didn't want to hurt me. I have no doubt that he felt badly saying it, and in my answer I told him I knew full well that he didn't want to hurt me, and thanked him sincerely for being honest about the matter. Despite whatever discomfit he felt, I imagine there was also a sense of relief, as he probably has been restraining that voice for quite some time.

This probably sounds weird, but I am especially certain of his sincerity and concern (not that I doubted it) because his notes consisted of whole paragraphs of complete sentences -- with punctuation and capital letters and everything! -- which, IIRC, he has never done.

And today doesn't mark a withdrawal from me on his part, but simply my discovery of why I have so rarely been able to share time with him for so long, and I will stop asking to do so. I'm definitely not reading his message as saying that he never wants to be with me again, but simply that it will continue to be as it has been.

Fortunately, I think I have grown over the last year, and can accept that I've done nothing wrong, and he's done nothing wrong, and in fact, going back to what Joanna and I used to talk about, while I had problems being no more and no less than a friend to him, he has been having problems allowing me to be just that.

Just goes to show, life can be a bitch. Well, I'm glad to know that he will be happier not having to contend with my unwelcome attempts at fraternization, and I will continue to treasure the time that I can spend with him whenever that happens to happen.

You can't choose who you love.
-- Nina Borowski, The Object of My Affection

Querido Nolan
He visto ojeada del amor que vive dentro tu alma
Y para siempre haré un pedozo pequeño en mi corazon.
Por eso, te doy muchas gracias, amigo mio.