It must be me, I guess, but I don't get it. At least with that admission, I won't attract a diagnosis of paranoia.

In my entire life, I've only been aware of one person (many years ago) who actually, truly didn't like me. I don't know if that's unusual or not, but there it is. Everybody says You're a good person, Clarence and You're so funny, Clarence and Don't ever change, Clarence. That last one was last said to me, literally, two days ago.

What I can't figure out is, why they pretty much don't want me to be around. Why I'm mostly not a part of people's lives. I give Nolan the benefit of the doubt, because it may be, at least subconsciously, that he feels pressured by my love and romantic longings for him (though he's never said or even intimated that).

But my casual friends don't have that problem. Case in point: the guy at work, Zed, who introduced me to geocaching about six weeks ago. That was fun, and I said I'd like to do more of it; he said that the next one hopefully would be a bit harder. Last Sunday, I was at the office late and had to call him in to stop the phone system from melting. While there, he mentioned that he'd been out 'caching with Nolan and Nolan's girlfriend. I could have screamed; instead I went home and threw my weight loss progress to the winds and ripped into a box of Girl Scout cookies.

Just three days ago, Edward and I were leaving the office and there were Zed and his wife. We chatted for a moment, and she took the occasion to say how wonderful I am. Somewhere in the conversation, the opportunity arose for me to mention that they hadn't invited me geocaching again, and they said, Oh, we'll definitely do that. And now, a scant three days later, I see that they were out again with Nolan, et aliae, and didn't invite me.

I remember several months back, I sincerely mentioned to another friend, whom I've loved for ten years, that he was my only friend who hadn't screwed me over at some time. That was very much intended as a compliment, and he appreciated it. (Edward and I weren't friends at the time, but he also passes that qualification -- and we do do things together.) But with most people, I don't know what it is about me that apparently pushes them away, even while they declaim otherwise. I do take a shower every day, I'm pretty sure that's not the problem. :)

Well, I still have four boxes left.

C-Dawg's Office Chessboard Cam
Current streak: 61 wins