I haven't written here lately. I suspect that it is form of avoidance. My brain doesn't want to deal with the different thoughts floating around in it. Even my morning pages that I normally write (in order to avoid writing useless dribble on E2) have been abandonded. I let things pile up and then explode a bunch of stuff on paper all at once because that way I won't have time to deal with everything (thus making it possible to avoid my thoughts and feelings and have an excuse for doing so).
My job is crazy and stresses me out but I actually sort of like it. I am held accountable for my actions. I am responsible for things which no one else is responsible for. I am not directly supervised. My mistakes are mostly discovered further in time after the shit hits the fan about something and they want to know whose fault it is. As I work there longer, the expectations placed upon me increase. If I don't do something that needs to be done, nobody else will just do it for me. If this isn't a real job, then I don't know what is.
It has been nearly 4 months since my ex-boyfriend broke up with me and finally I am dealing with the emotional pain of it. For the first time today I opened up to a friend about how my entire relationship felt like a lie. Last night, I cleaned out his half bathroom and filled it with candles, aqua handtowels and a poster of a fairy. It's a girly bathroom now. I found a few of his posters under the bed, which I have carefully set aside in the pile of things that need to be thrown out. And apparently, I am now supposed to have a threesome with my long-distance friend and his clone. But don't ask about that one, because I am not quite sure what to think of that.
I have very few friends and it's my own fault. I bumped into one of them on the bus today and we updated each other on our lives, seeing as how we haven't spoken in ages. Most of the questions he asked me resulted in me explaining why I had a falling out with this person or that person. It makes me wonder if something is wrong with me, or is there just something about me that attracts crappy people. His ex-girlfriend and I lived together while they were dating. He didn't directly say as such, but it was obvious to me that she had said some bad things about me to him and he didn't really believe any of it. He told me that she had a few personal issues. So perhaps it is not me who is crazy and impossible to get along with other people. It sure seems that way lately though, with the amount of friends and of course my major relationship that fell apart over the past couple of years.
Anyway I am not sure of what else to write. I'm not sure if I am being coherent, even. I am exhausted from a long day at work then a grocery trip where I bought too much food again because I still can't get used to shopping for just one person. My laundry is probably ready to go into the dryer now. There is a sound of crickets chirping through the closed glass windows of my apartment. I should go outside to water my plants. Their tiny green heads are pushing their way through the soil to touch the sunlight. Their roots grow deeper and thicker each day, eventually growing so large that even the toughest pair of scissors cannot cut through the stems and nothing can stop them from blooming.