I feel like shit again.

Today is Canada Day, which reminds me of last year's Canada Day long weekend that I spent camping with my ex. So many things went wrong. We got lost canoeing on the lake to the portage site (ex didn't have a map and claimed he knew where he was going). We had to make three trips across the portage site, carrying stuff through a buggy, forested area (I had asked the ex for advice on how to pack things, and he'd told me "whatever you want."). There was a heat wave that weekend: 34 Celsius, or 47 Celsius with the humidex (that's 93 and 116 F for you 'Mericans). It was buggy as hell. The ex fell off a rock and hurt himself, got a leech on his foot, cut himself with the travel-sized axe. I've told almost everyone all these details. The part I left out was the comment he made while crossing the portage site. I'd offered to help him carry the canoe (I'm stronger than I look). He told me no. Wouldn't let me help. Then, while he carried it above his head with all his other gear he told me, "I feel like this represents our relationship. I'm doing all the work." 

. . . .

I really hope that I don't need to explain what's wrong with that comment. 

Even though I know it's not true, it keeps playing on repeat in my head. My friends pointed out to me that I was the one doing all the emotional heavylifting. By which they mean, I'm the one who made sure we talked about stuff that needed to be talked about. I'm the one who tried to improve communication, who tried to make sure we didn't go to bed angry. If it were up to him, we wouldn't have ever talked anything through. But I guess that counts for nothing.

I'm the one who got him to open up about his abusive childhood. I wish he would have gone to counselling, since he obviously hadn't dealt with it. Some of the worst things he ever said or did to me were the same abusive things his own family did to him. And he thinks it's normal. But he wouldn't go to counselling. Absolutely refused. I didn't push the issue. I did schedule pre-marital counselling for us, since that's a smart thing to do (and we needed it). He cancelled at the last minute. That was the day I knew we would not get married. I stopped trying to make any wedding plans after that because I feared he would stand me up at the altar. 

I see that my cousin, who recently separated from his wife of 8 years, is already in a new relationship. A friend of a friend of mine is separated and already dating at least one other woman. Is my ex dating again already? Probably. He said he wasn't planning to date again for a long time, but he goes back on almost everything he says, so I doubt he's single. Everything else I'm thinking right now will make me sound petty, so I just won't say it. But I will admit that I tried to stalk him on Instagram, without much success. He'll probably show up on Facebook again in 6 months with a picture of himself and his new fiancee, or wife, probably some rich chick who can't wait to pop out babies and who doesn't mind doing whatever his husband's mother tells her to do. 

And I've had to spend the past week listening to my mother go on and on about her friend's kid's wedding and what she thinks they're doing wrong and how she herself would do it if she were hosting it, blah blah. Yeah, she's not the most sensitive person, as I've probably mentioned before. I left the dinner table early and cried in my room for a bit. This is why I've always felt so afraid of being a monther. I would rather be childless than be like her. What are the chances I'd be the same way? I don't want to find out.

So basically I have no plans for today. The few friends I have are busy doing family stuff. There will probably be a fireworks show somewhere in town tonight. I'm trying to decide if I should just go by myself or if that would be too depressing.

Oh, I also feel crappy that one of our mutual "friends" is no longer speaking to me. She had told me that she considered me to be a friend. But she's shown no interest in talking to me since I moved away. I wished her a happy birthday. She replied with "thanks!" and that's it. No asking me how my move went, how am I doing. When I changed my cell number, I sent her a text to let her know this is my new number if she wants to chat. No response. Okay, so basically you were full of crap when you said you considered me to be a friend. I don't know what my ex said to her to make her hate me (if that's what happened), but a real friend would have at least asked for my side of the story before shutting me out. That's fine. She wasn't someone I could talk to anyway. When we said we would make our ceremony a private one, she got angry and ranted about how weddings are "supposed to" be big celebrations because "that's how it should be." Thanks for the support, so-called friend. 

/rant

I'm still trying to believe that I'm not such a terrible person after all. When people tell me that my ex was "an abusive piece of shit" or "an asshole" and that I "dodged a bullet," I feel worse for him than I do for myself. Did he really treat me so poorly? He put me down on a regular basis. Does that make him a POS? I don't know what to think or feel about that. I should probably go back to my doctor and ask for that referral to a counsellor. I'm hesitant to do it because I'm worried she won't take me seriously. 

The gardening is going well. I've harvested the radishes, and then I left them in the fridge for so long they've gone all soft. I'll cut them up today and find out if they're still edible. Seems like homegrown veggies turn bad faster than store-bought food. Is it genetic engineering? Preservatives? 

Today I need to plant the container stuff: orange peppermint, lemon balm, and a sweet 100 tomato plant. Oh, and cilantro seeds can go where the radishes used to be. I've planted the shasta daisies, which took plenty of searching to find the exact variety I wanted (Alaska). I moved a bunch of stuff around. The celery is in the rock garden where it will get more water. The basil is now in the front garden where it will hopefully not turn yellow and die. I suspect that it couldn't handle something about the soil... it was too alkaline, or too high in nitrogen or some other nutrient. That's just an educated guess. 

The pile of stuff in the TV room is almost gone. I've been chipping away at it for the past four months. Once that's gone, I'll have to deal with all the boxes in the office. Most of them have books that I'll attempt to sell online. If that doesn't work, I'll give them away. And then there are the boxes in my temporary bedroom, which will likely take the longest to go through. There's a box in the closet holding all the stuff that reminds me of my ex, including a stuffed moose that I wish I hadn't taken. I should have left it at his place. Would it be cruel of me to mail it back to him? That's a real question. Please message me with your thoughts. 

I want to plan a girl's night for the second weekend in October, which is when I had planned to get married. If that doesn't work out, maybe I can go away to a yoga retreat. I've found a place nearby that hosts such events. I might possibly sign up for August or September. I still need to go over my finances and put together a debt repayment plant. I bought a personal finance book for $1 which I will use as a guide. The funny thing is when I went to buy it for $2, I didn't have enough change. So he let me have it for $1. I guess it was obvious that I needed that book.

That's all for now. I should go make that pasta dish and plant the stuff. Thanks for reading.