I slept better than I have in ages last night. I think it's because I went to the college yesterday morning for a meeting at the student centre, then spent the evening after work looking at financial options. I'm considering doing a Technical Writing course part-time. Actually, I've been thinking about it for several years, and yesterday was my first solid attempt to do anything about it. It's hard to explain my life without sounding self-pitying. Let's just say I haven't felt like myself in a long time, and it feels like I'm approaching normal. Except that normal doesn't seem normal anymore. It feel scary and weird, almost as if I don't think I deserve it.
I stood up to my mother last weekend. She's the type who will insult you to your face, then act surprised and hurt that you took offense to it. It did quite a number on my head growing up and I never learned how to stand up to her while keeping my cool. This past Easter Sunday, she told me that I "wouldn't be very good" at making dinner. I simply said, with a straight face and a neutral tone of voice, "Hmmmm. No. I know how to cook." There was an unusually long silence. I saw the conversation as over and stared into space. Who knows what she was doing; she was probably sitting there with her mouth hanging open. Finally, she began to defend herself, and that was that. That might not sound like much, but for me, that was huge.
Writing this out, it's possible the two things are related. My ability to finally stand up to the woman who bullied me throughout my youth, and my sudden seriousness about my life. Today I woke up feeling capable. I went to my shitty job, where we are all underappreciated and underpaid, and instead of seeing it as my career I saw it as a way to pay the bills while I work on what matters. Nothing has been finalized. It's possible that I am overexcited and talking out of my ass. I have a terrible habit of not following through on things. This feels different though.