So we had a date, no, an agreement. We would do something Thursday night, we didn’t know where or what, just that we would do it together. It was most definitely not a date, because she is most definitely engaged to my best friend. But since it was just her and me, you could call it a play date. Are we too old for that?
She came over to my house, and after making fun of me because I hadn’t gotten my wireless network set up yet, we sat around and bickered over where we were going to eat. (we enjoy being mean to each other in a good-natured way). After much debate, a certain faux-Irish establishment was settled upon and we left. Just eating out with her was great, I’m still immature enough where just the mere act of being alone with a girl (especially one as pretty as her) makes me all funny inside. Guess I haven’t outgrown play dates after all.
After we came back, the debate became how we were going to see a movie that night: theatre, rental, or one of my own. Finally, after perusing my DVD collection, she declared:
“I want to watch TRON!”
“Yeah, you and the other guys always talk about it, and I’ve never seen it.”
I tried to talk her out of it, I knew she wouldn’t like it. Her favorite movie is The Cutting Edge for christsakes! But she was adamant, and Tron it must be! We laid down on my bed in the darkness, her under the blankets. And as the computer world first appeared on screen, in all its rotoscoped glory, she cried out “That is so cool!” For the next two hours we laid there next to each other immersed in the film.
Looking back I realize how wonderful and comfortable I felt that night. Just lying there next to her in the darkness, our bodies barely touching through the blankets, our legs sometimes intertwined, was such a quality moment for me. Two people willing to share each other’s time and be totally relaxed with one another. She probably saw it a just another night with some friend of hers, but to me it was more. It is those instants with women that I look for in my life, the willingness to be open. It is those times that I feel human and alive. I’ll admit that the fact it was Tron was just a little icing on the cake.
But right now, before I crawl into that now-empty bed, it is times like that that cause so much inner strife. It is during moments like those that I realize that most of the time I walk around feeling like shit. The glimpses of happiness and content only serve to deepen the usual thoughts of fear and resentment that I have. I sometimes think that the feelings I ususally have wouldn’t seem so bad if I never had moments like those at all.