I slept last night, some. But more than I have lately. I wish I could pin point the problem. But maybe that IS the problem. I refuse to admit to myself what it is that's bothering me.

In just over 2 short weeks I will turn 40. Now, you have to realize that for me, physical age has never been a factor in anything. I'm a true believer that the number of years we have spent physically upon this earth is only a measuring tool that society utilizes to determine our readiness and worthiness for a particular activity (and a poor measuring tool at that, IMHO).

So, for me to be "bothered" by a supposed landmark age really BOTHERS me. I find myself lately feeling compelled to answer all those questions I've never found the answers to. Things like "Does our awareness end when our physicality does?", and "What kind of old person will I be, if in fact I actually manage to become an old person?".

I'm not exactly the most physically fit person. And my genetic make up does not bode well for a long life. Not to mention that some of my life style choices will definitely have an impact in my longevity. One would think this all would lead me to suddenly become a healthier person. I should feel compelled to make better choices. And a part of me wishes I could say that.

And, yet, to do so would mean admitting that I'm scared! That my physical age DOES matter. How hypocritical of me! At the same time, though, I have to remind myself that an integral part of me has always been willing to admit I could be wrong about anything I hold an opinion on.

So, in addition to driving myself to insanity by actually being concerned about turning 40, I am now driving myself insane with feeling I've failed myself and what I've preached for years. Toss in the fact that I still have SO VERY MANY unanswered questions and that I'm terrified of death... well, even I'm not so blind as to not see why I haven't been sleeping. It's a wonder I can actually function and be nice to people!