Toothpicks: Harmless tools useful in maintaining dental hygiene, or HORRIBLE, DEADLY WEAPONS!? (thing)

Here are some facts* about toothpicks:

• Toothpicks accounted for 96%** of all deaths in 1999.
• In the US, toothpicks outnumber people by a factor of more than 20 to 1.
• 88% of innocent children in the US have “easy access” to toothpicks.
• Only 2% of these children have been taught how to use a toothpick.
• Toothpicks are a direct blood relative of Sporks. Sporks are the tool of Satan.
• According to the RKMPC, the AVMR of a toothpick is 926.1 -- the exact same AVMR of a canister full of deadly cyanide gas. Coincidence? Some large government agency thinks not!
• Toothpicks are*** horrible, deadly weapons.

Disturbing? Yes. But also enlightening. Do YOU know who has access to YOUR toothpicks?

No one has ever died because they DIDN’T have a toothpick.

Do the right thing: locate every one of these horrible, deadly weapons in the world and hide them in a box. Kill anyone who refuses to give up their stockpile of these horrible, deadly weapons. Bury the box full of horrible, deadly weapons somewhere secret. Create an intricate web of lies and deceit surrounding the True Location of the box full of horrible, deadly weapons. Kill anyone who mentions these horrible, deadly weapons.

Do your part: make the world a safer place for future generations. Unless someone takes worldwide responsibility for the proliferation of these horrible, deadly weapons, it will soon be too late.

* “Facts” may not be true.
** Margin of error: 96%
*** are not