Why you should [Well if it's gonna be THAT kinda party, then I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes!|celebrate] democracy through the edge-of-your-seat excitement of a [How to destroy the Earth|fiery near death experience]:

[America] was birthed on an explosion of [What Happened to the 56 Men Who Signed the Declaration of Independence|pure Democratic will], has [liberation|liberated] and [A Sniper in Every Minaret|protected] through the awesome power of [fire] and [combustion], and will more than likely see its end at the icy death-grip of [mutually assured destruction]. Turn on the [History Channel] sometime and count the explosions per hour ratio. If it's not at least 10 to 1 then you're watching a marathon showing of some lame documentary about [King Tut|King Tut's] tomb that you've probably already seen and should have turned off 45 minutes ago.

It's only logical that our nation's [Independence Day|independence] be celebrated with the most dangerous explosive devices created by human (or, for that matter, [Three Laws of Robotics|robot], [Day of the Dwarf|dwarf], or [michael jackson|alien]) hands, and for the mainstream civilian population, this means [fireworks]. The more dangerous the better. Unfortunately, that's becoming less and less of an option every time someone blows off a finger with an [M-80]. Fireworks bans are becoming more commonplace each year, and states that still allow the sale of fireworks increasingly limit what's available. According to the [National Center for Injury Prevention and Control], a part of the [Center for Disease Control], fireworks-related injuries most frequently involve "class C" fireworks, which are, ironically, the most common and least expensive ones. These includes [sparklers] (which burn at 1,000 degrees Fahrenheit), [bottle rocket|bottle rockets] (which have a tendency to fly into the nearest human face), etc.

I'm trying not to be insensitive to the victims of firework-related injuries, but the fact of the matter is that they're a huge minority. If a 15 year old kid knocks on my door with a [send me grateful cash donations|donation bucket] and shows me where he lost his tongue from where a friend paid him 20 bucks and a [porn|porn magazine] to swallow a lit [cherry bomb], I'm going to drop at least 9 cents in that bucket. In 2001, according to the same CDC stats, there were roughly 9,000 cases that required medical attention. While that sounds like an intimidating number, remember the number of people that set off [fireworks] every year, and it'll seem like a drop in an ocean. [The last cigarette I'll ever smoke|Cigarettes] kill 440,000 people each year, and are they banned in ten states? According to [Waffle House] waitress that served me my hash browns last night while breathing a thick, grey cloud of [toxic chemicals|toxins] into my face, "Hell no. I can smoke these wherever the hell I want." I tipped her [sexual favor|extra] for that info.

The CDC doesn't seem to like explosions. However, the CDC does have this to say:

Homemade fireworks (e.g., ones made of the powder from several firecrackers) can lead to dangerous explosions.

"Dangerous" above ought to read "[awesome]." [huge snake|A stupid charcoal snake that grows] in a half-assed fashion on my driveway is a shameful celebration of American [freedom]. If you're like me, being a real [patriot] doesn't mean supporting wars or voting for the candidate you believe in -- what it means is that you feel an urge deep inside to construct a massive [homemade fireworks|homemade firework] display so potentially destructive that it accurately reflects your love for living in a nation where such explosives are readily available over the counter of a retail chain or a folding table inside a tent on the side of an [Alabama] highway. Huge homemade explosives don't blindside you like tiny ones do. When you set off a [monstrosity] like the one I'm about to teach you to make, you know to stay a mile away and to keep your kids in [kevlar] vests. There's none of this running around with [sparklers] and waiting for an emergency trip to the [hospital].

How to Celebrate the Fourth of July for Real:

Establishing the theme.

Firstly, you're going to want to know what your firework is all about. This isn't just going to be a bunch of [rocket|rockets] strapped together and tossed in your yard. It's an artful expression. An example: this past Fourth, we constructed a model of [Miami] and [Cuba]. Downtown Miami was represented by a large plastic [goblin] plastic playset obtained from [Target]. [John F. Kennedy] was present in the form of a [doll] that looked nothing like him (in fact, it was a young girl; we argued that he was in disguise), as was a wormhole represented by a bright orange [Slinky]. The premise: [Miami] is a warzone! [Ninja|Ninja], masters of the killing arts, have taken over the city and the civilians are rising up to take it back. Meanwhile, in [I was promised flying cars|the future], [John F. Kennedy] has been resurrected and jumps in a portal back in time to warn Past JFK not to get in the car. Unexpectedly, through some crazy mix-up, JFK has landed in Miami. The wild catch is that it's during the [Cuban Missile Crisis]! Lines of rockets litter our fake [Cuba], pointed at our [Miami], which is covered in action figures of ninjas and firemen. [Dinosaur|Dinosaurs] are everywhere, apparently having come through the rip in time-space as well.

Obtain Supplies and a Proper [Arsenal].

You're going to need whatever [toys] and random objects you can muster for the general layout. Finding a suitable base can be surprisingly difficult at times. If you can find some [plywood], that's pretty solid. We were able to get some mysteriously perfect material from a [billboard] printing company last time around, but the time before that we used a [G.I. Joe] board game. Toys (particularly [action figure|action figures] and dolls) probably make the best pieces for the display. Then you'll need a great deal of your two most important ingredients:

[Hellzapoppin|Hellzapoppins] are a cheap but surprisingly useful firework. There are many [generic] ripoffs (the most common one being the "[Ground Blaster]"), but all the variants look the same - they're green [plastic] balls. When lit, they crackle and burst open, releasing a bunch of [sparks]. Luckily for you and for [America], you can crack those babies open and remove the little black balls of [Neil Young|concentrated rocking power] inside. Get as much of this stuff as you can afford, because you'll be using them as [explosive] filler for most of the things on your structure.

[Rubber cement] is arguably the most important item in your kit. [Elmer's Glue|Elmer's] works best. You can buy it in big [tin can|tin cans] at most large chains (particularly [Lowe's] or [Home Depot]), which is about how much you'll be needing if you really want to reach your full potential. For a demo, drip a spot of the rubber cement on the ground the size of a [quarter] and light it up. Watch in [pyromaniac|pyrotechnic] glee as you get an instant flame approximately six inches high that burns consistently for several minutes. The [smoke] may be highly [toxic chemicals|toxic], but then again, you're using the stuff to build a huge flaming explosive, so you can't be too picky about safety.

As for specific fireworks, you don't need to worry about getting the expensive stuff. Rather, get lots of cheap stuff and combine it. Think of each firework you buy as a part of a larger [Voltron] - alone, it's pretty weak, but when you put it with the other parts, the team becomes an unstoppable force for the side of [justice]. Justice, remember, is the end goal here. Never lose sight of your [ideals] when building your display. If you forget why you're packing a [Skeletor] action figure's head full of [gunpowder] emptied out of [firecracker|firecrackers], you're probably not going to keep the right mindset. Do it for the children. Do it for the fallen. Do it to fight off the [demon|demons] inside your own [empty voids piercing my very soul|tortured soul]. If you do it for nothing else, do it for America.

Some helpful hints: Remember those little cardboard [panzer|tanks]? You can buy them at any fireworks store anywhere (or department stores around holidays.) Packages of six cost something like twelve cents. Get some. They're pretty weak, but if you rip them up you can take the [cannon] off of the front and attach them to other things, like the arms of some of your toys. Try experimenting with dissecting other things as well. Some of the wussiest toys contain some of the most [devestation|devastating] guts, if you're woman enough to rip them out of there. Don't be afraid of the blatantly [danger|dangerous]. Remember this lesson well: The likelihood of injury from explosion and the amount of coolness of your firework are directly proportionate.

Try thick rubbery [plastic] for delayed action. Example: If you can find some of those fake animals that are in every [dollar store] on the planet, stab a small hole in the bottom of one of them and pour in some of the [Hellzapoppin] powder balls. A few minutes into your explosion, in the [chaos] of burning [carnage] and random fireballs rocketing into the night, the fire will finally melt through the outside of the toy, hit the giant stash of [gunpowder] you've stuffed inside its body, and very simply explode. I have seen [mushroom cloud|mushrooms clouds].

Detonation.

Detonating the firework can be easy or hard. Most newer explosion [engineer|technicians] are full of lofty dreams and think that they can arrange elaborate [chain reaction|chain reactions] between the different individual fireworks that are rubber cemented to the display. Guess what? You can't. You're probably thinking that you'll prove me wrong, that you'll be the young [iconoclast] that will succeed, the [Jesus] of the explosion world, saving us from our old and [stagnation|stagnant] ways.

You won't be. Don't try to make a chain reaction.

Also, don't try to have multiple main [fuse|fuses]. Some people seem to like making the display in such a way that it must be simultaneously lit from multiple points in order for everything to go off at the right time. This usually ends in [disaster].

Instead, hold on to that [bucket] of rubber cement from before, and right before detonation, drizzle the entire package with whatever is left in the bucket.Then, light it up. A layer of [flame] will instantly cover the entire display, lighting the fuses to each firework more or less at the same time. Take cover and watch as absolute [havoc] is unleashed.

Dealing with the Aftermath.

Cleaning up the wreckage is a serious task that may require a whole task force of specialists with [gas mask|gas masks] and radiation suits. You may also be able to handle it with a [shovel] and some determination. Whatever. It's your call. Clean everything up, then call all of your neighbors and apologize, because most likely you took out three or four blocks of the surrounding area with the unstoppable power you released in the name of American [independence].

Celebrating the Fourth of July through highly dangerous homemade explosives (idea)