I've been polishing my stand-up act, because I have decided to become a stand-up comedian. I like the idea of standing up, because I am so good at it; I have had a lot of practice, because I do not own a car, and when I am waiting for the bus I am standing up, and so far no-one has mocked my ability to stand up, no one has harrassed me for that. I would never sit down whilst queuing for the bus, firstly because I do not like to sit down in the presence of other people, and secondly because I would be worried that I would not be the first person to see the bus. I once harassed a man for standing up, but that was not simply because he was standing; it was because he was looking at me. He told me to fuck off, but I could tell that he was nervous. London does that to you. The only way to win is to strike first.

Anyway, I've been working on some jokes. I've been listening to a comedian called Neil Hamburger, who is a concept comedian, in that he pretends to be unfunny - to such an extent that he is not only 'so bad he's good', he's not only 'so bad he's bad', he actually spins around and around with that kind of thing for eternity, because he's so bad he's bad, and funny-bad because he's bad, and deliberately so. Also, I have been listening to an Icelandic band called 'Mum', who are apparently pronounced 'Moum', because they have an accent over the u. You see, just because I disagree with your politics, it doesn't necessarily follow that I have poor taste in music. Mum are not funny at all, indeed they belong to a genre of art which prides itself on being deadly earnest and serious in a way that only teenage boys can be. The album is called 'Finally We Are No One' and the song which takes my fancy is called 'Don't Be Afraid, You Have Just Got Your Eyes Closed', and all their song titles are like that. Stupidly, the first track on the album does not have any drums.

My first joke is this, which is topical; I'm just getting to the first joke. It is topical because Woody Allen is in the news, because he has a film out. And it is also topical because society is nowadays much less squeamish about insulting Jews. The state of Israel has squandered any goodwill it built up during the first three decades after the second world war, and it has nothing much to offer the non-US western powers; there will come a day when the leader of France or Britain or Germany or Spain or Italy or any number of countries, that man or woman will be asked to voice general support for Israel - not for a specific act, but for the state itself - and he or she will hesitate or fudge, or qualify this support, and that will be the beginning of the end for the UN's boldest, earliest and cruellest experiment. A state which was set up to save a race from extermination will become the ashen graveyard of that race, and that is irony. I do not have an opinion either way. I merely report things as I see them through eyes which are clouded by external forces.

The joke is this:

What would you get if you took Woody Allen, and you strapped him to a table, and you forced him to have an orgasm against his will - by rubbing his cock against a pig?

You'd get a "Jew-jaculation".

That's the first joke. I need to write some more before I have an act. Then you will see what we can do.