As an artist I have experienced both rejection and persecution from those who withhold the love which I require to survive. If I am therefore to wither and die, held under the water by those who would do me wrong, it is better to hang for a sheep than a lamb. Only my few remaining ties with the social morality which has caused me such pain prevents my declaration of war. I feel therefore compelled to submit an entry for Gone in sixty seconds - A theatre quest and this is it.

"The Ninth Planet"
Ashley Pomeroy
The cast consists of two men. Drink Man and Paper Man. Drink Man is mildly sozzled and has the best role. Paper Man is reading the paper.

The Situation:
Two men sitting on chairs, facing the audience.

The Minute:
Drink Man: Eh. Eh, excuse me fellow. Sir. I couldn't help but notice that you were reading the paper.

Paper Man: Yes, it's the Daily Telegraph. Boris Johnson is a very funny man.

Drink Man: D'you, ah, d'you happen to know anything about the planets, like?

Paper Man: The planets?

Drink Man: Yeah, you know, the celestial spheres. Great big spinning lumps of rock, and gas...

Paper Man: Well..

Drink Man: And asbestos. There's planets made out of asbestos, you know that? People can't go there because of the fibres, you know?

Paper Man: Right.

Drink Man: D'you know about Pluto?

Paper Man: The Disney character?

Drink Man: Eh?

Paper Man: He was Mickey Mouse's friend. I think he was meant to be a dog. Bit racist nowadays.

Drink Man: Eh? Pluto's the ninth planet. Ninth... out of nine. Last. Last and least.

Paper Man: I believe in France they call it 'Pluton' (said in exaggerated French; "plue-TON")

Drink Man: Eh?

Paper Man: Pluton! In France, they call it Pluton.

Drink Man: Eh?

Paper Man: Yes, it's where the plutonium comes from, Pluto. It's where all the weapons of mass destruction are hidden.

Drink Man: Really? Does NASA know about that?

Paper Man: Yes. I have the telephone number of NASA here if you want it, next to Andrew Marr.

Drink Man: We should blow it up.