Are you looking to gain weight
? Trying to bulk up
? Have you been surviving on Jack Daniels
and rat droppings
and need to get buff in time for the big party in the next alley over?
Well, friends, look no further than ApoxyButt's relativistic weight gain formula! My patented technique, endorsed by mathematicians and physicists alike, can quickly give you all that extra mass you crave. Simply hop into the amazing "Chamber of Really Fastness" and, as you zip along at near-relativistic speeds, you will gain mass like never before! Simply take a loop around our nearby interstellar neighborhood and you'll see exponential improvement! Message me NOW for more details and how you can send me a whole lot of money!
Warning: After your trip in the amazing "Chamber of Really Fastness, everyone you know will be dead due to certain temporal side-effects. Weight-gain will not persist outside of the amazing "Chamber of Really Fastness." Customers agree to pay all charges in advance.