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Wed Oct 27 2004 at 07:23:47 (13.1 years ago )
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Thu Oct 28 2004 at 05:09:28 (13.1 years ago )
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Remembering the Past (idea)
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Today was just like any other day at first. It was the same as yesterday, and tomarrow will probably be just like today. After I woke up this morning it took me nearly twenty minutes to figure out something important to do. I settled on laying with my head against the wall, staring at the T.V., but not really seeing anything. I flipped around my butterfly knife, and I played my bass guitar for a while. I smoked a lot, too. Mostly I tried not to think about how empty my life has become.

I met her after her and my friend were messing around one night. Leena was bitchy and usually self-centered, but there was something unique about her. Kind of a weird sense of individuality. That and a sexy secretary look. She had black hair like mine. She was one of those people that are rude towards you until they decided they like you, then they open themselves up and show you how they really are. It took me a while to break down the wall she set around herself.

Leena and I only shared eight months of our life together, but it seemed like forever. It's sure a lot for people in their late teens. We did everything together back then. During the summer she would call me at eleven in the morning, and we would watch those talk shows together and ridicule the guests. A couple hours later, Leena and her mom would come over to my house, and while our moms cooked dinner we would be in my room messing around. Then we would all watch the movies we had rented. I even used to go shopping with her and her mom.

I used to beat up the guys who picked on her little brother, even though the little prick deserved it. He was grateful enough towards me, though. After one of those fights her mother, who was a nurse, stitched up my hand. I don't know why that meant so much to me. Leena was holding my left hand, telling my not to look, while her mom hummed and told me to breathe deep. She was there when I got most of my piercings, and when I learned my cousin died. Hell, we even got stranded together in a city that was an hour and a half away from ours. I ditched my friends to be with her so much they stopped coming around. I was still friends with them, but even when I found the time to hangout with them I would be distracted.

It's been almost three months since Leena left me. She left me for a Skater named Matt. I had always hated him. He hated me because I beat the shit out of him at a local band's show months before I met Leena. Punkers and Skaters don't mix a lot around her. Him and his New Found Glory. I'm quite content with the Misfits. Anyway, they got together and I left the school. It wasn't my school. I had only started going there because she had to go there, and she talked me into it. Leena alienated me from my friends, made me go to a new school with her, then she left me because she met someone there. I tried for over a month to work it out with her, but almost overnight she changed her personality and decided all the time we spent together didn't matter anymore. So she moved on, and I left.

After I left, I got kind strung out for a while. I was constantly drunk or high, and always at a party. I messed around with a couple girls, but that didn't seem to change my feelings much. A couple weeks after I left the school, I drank a lot of beer and vodka and tried to overdose on sleeping pills. At the time I didn't think I could go on without her. Leena was my best friend, and stayed with me even though she knew I had Bipolar depression. I remember taking the pills, and laying down on my bed thinking that I would soon be in the nothingness that I wanted so much. Then I woke up in the emergency room with those tube things stuck in my arm. After a few hours, I was released to a psychologist for evaluation. He gave me some new pills to control my moods and feelings. All because of her.

Somehow I still remember her voice. I can still hear it clearly. Every now and then I'll wake up in the dead of night because I think I hear her calling me. But I know she's not, she's in her own world now. Even though we hate each other now, I still dream of her. Usually I can't remember what happened in the dream, only that she was in it. But I've moved on. I don't dread waking up every morning like I used to because I knew she wouldn't be around. I'm still having trouble staying clean and sober, and she still pops in my head once every couple days. I'm still unsure of how to spend my days without her. But I'm not still in love with her. I try to concentrate on other things, like my friends or my bass guitar.

This evening I started thinking about mny past with Leena. It was the first time in a while that I gave it any serious thought. I went to my room, flipped open the butterfly knife she bought me and looked at my arm. There's scars everywhere, making a morbid sort of map. I traced them with the blade, lost in my thoughts. Love sometimes leaves physical scars as well as mental ones. It was only a couple months ago I slashed my arm up with the knife she had bought for me because I was so frustrated with her. It's funny how different I feel now. These days I can't manage to feel anything for her, except a half-assed hope that she's happy, wherever she is.

I know I could never be with her again, even if she wanted to. We're both too different now. The ashes of what was once our relationship have long since blown into the wind.