Dammit.
I should have known better. Stupid online journals. Yes, I am a glutton for punishment, and here all the thoughts are again. She's with him and I'm not with her, but by my decision. I am with a wonderful, wonderful person, so why won't she get out of my mind? The haunting of my mind with thoughts of her is killing me. Thinking of the dream we had, the thoughts of us saving ourselves for the other, gone, knowing what they are doing because she told me. Knowing it is all gone forever.
Dammit.
I just want to run back to her, save her from him, tell her not to do that, that the dreams and the love and the log cabin by the lake can still be there, and all the plans can still be there, and just don't do that just come back don't go don't go don't go.
But I'm the one who went, so the point is moot.
So I emailed her. We have been exchanging hellos, how are yas, etc. But I emailed her. Told her I couldn't anymore. She is happy where she is, and I need to start being happy where I am at or else the urge to just drive off the road into a tree is going to be too strong. And even though people call me young, 23 is too old to be having thoughts like that. I have a life. I have a career. I have a wonderful, wonderful girlfriend who will be down in just two weeks. And I am not going to risk all of that again for her. I can't afford it. I'll lose her if I don't lose her.
So begone rain clouds and storms. It's time for the sun to shine and me to claim what is mine. Happiness.