Two years ago I was diagnosed
with carpal tunnel syndrome
, ulnar tunnel syndrome
, and severe
and chronic nerve damage
. This effectively ended my career as a percussionist
and got me booted from conservatory
. Here are things I have learned that I pass on to you, just in case having any or all of these conditions sounds like fun
- Get a significant other. There will be more days than you can imagine when your hands won't work at all. As such, you'll need someone who isn't grossed out by the concept of feeding you, helping you dress, helping you bathe, or undoing your pants so you can go to the bathroom.
- A significant other is also important so that you can releive sexual tension on a regular basis. Guys, you know all those years you spent masturbating to build up stamina? Well, it's nothing but a curse now.
- Being broken from the elbows down allows you to eat as messily and slowly as you want. Take advantage of this. If the waiter is pissing you off, drop your beer bottle on the handle of your soup spoon as he walks by. Say that you'd help him clean up but your hands don't work.
- Brushing your teeth becomes a circumstantial event.
- Nothing keeps the mileage down on your automobile than a total lack of grip strength or ability to drive.
- Find a job where you don't have to be there every day, i.e. telecommuting positions. If these don't work out, you can be a telephone psychic and make 10 bucks an hour.
- Don't be a hero. Carrying your parent's luggage into the house when they come to visit won't seem as impressive when you have to ask for help wiping your ass later on.
- As good of an idea getting disability from the government seems, it really isn't.
- Don't be afraid to ask for help. If your boss says you have to come to work regardless of how your hands feel, make sure he's the one that you request bathroom help from.
- And finally, don't let it get to you. You can always use your feet to ward off the ninjas.