That's right ladies. The Dark Prince Of The Underworld simply does not shop where I do. My lack of black says "I am not Goth! I love the Baby Jebus!"

A wardrobe permeated with flannels and hawaiian shirts does not send the message that I'm going to be sacrificing goats later. Look here, at what I'm wearing... your first thought? "Hang ten!" "Surf's up!"

I may have been off, but honestly, did you think about protecting your virgin daughter from me because of the ritualistic sex you just instantly knew I wanted to have with her tonight?

Certainly not.

Flannel exudes utility, warmth, and a rugged quality that simply doesn't fit in with The Devil. We all know Satan has to hire people with delicate features, far more delicate than mine.

I can detail, flesh out, and accessorize my entire wardrobe without ever setting foot in a Hot Topic or an alternative religion supply outlet. You can't practice Satanism while wearing Structure! You can't summon Ba'al if you smell slightly of Hugo Boss.

Satan don't surf. Armed with this knowledge I can browse Banana Republic without fear of eternal damnation.

So remember, if you want to really send a message in clear language that you are NOT in servitude to Lucifer, head to the mall for such stores as Pacific Sunwear or American Eagle.

However, it is recommended that you avoid wearing Tommy Hilfiger, as wearing clothes DESIGNED by Satan will probably not get your point across.