I've Done This Before

As I posted on my homenode, I'm leaving. It has very little to do with E2, actually, but everything to do with me.

I can't keep losing the way I am.

Back a few of months ago, I suddenly had a new place to live--had in fact moved out of my parents' house. I had a new job--and it wasn't retail! Oh, I was ecstatic. And best of all, I had a new boyfriend who I was ridiculously in love with.

But now is the winter of my... No. Here--I hate where I live because one roommate is bipolar, her sister (also a roommate) is obsessive-compulsive, and the third is a neurotic law student. I don't get along with them. I knew them all before I moved in, I was friends with them. But when I leave in the fall, I hope I never see them again. I don't want to go into detail here. Just trust me. And I'm no picnic to live with either.

My job? I sit at a computer and punch numbers. Sitting on my ass for eight hours a day. I know--lots of people would kill for that. But this is a job I could have done when I was 17. I'm 23 with a degree that will get me no where, and a job that is going no where. And the worst part is, I don't actually know what I do want to do with my life. I'm just drifting along, one day to the next, not sure what tomorrow will bring, but knowing it's the same as yesterday. (It makes sense in my head, anyway.)

As for my boyfriend--on Saturday he tells me to meet him at a Starbucks. A bad sign. He doesn't love me, he says. The relationship became serious, and he didn't love me. A person can't help how they feel, I know that. I just wish I hadn't been so stupid as to fall for him in the first place. But what amazes me is that we'd had such a good relationship. We liked the same things. We never fought. I thought we had fun together. I guess I was wrong. Not that I should be surprised. I tend to be wrong a lot.

I wish that I could leave Philadelphia. Go to some other city, any other city--this place is tainted with him. Every street reminds me of him. I can't go to the store without thinking about him. I can't drive to work without seeing something that reminds me of him. I know--all wounds are still open, all pain is still fresh. Time, etc. I can't stand this city, but I can't leave, either. I'm broke.

So off I go. I need to withdraw for a while. I need to go.