I think everyone has one of these sometimes.
That
ex that you loved too much, the one that still
wanted to still be friends. The one who wanted to hang out all the time, and you had to fight down your feelings, choke down the rising tears when you watched her cry, try not to hold on too long when she hugged you just as a friend.
The one that haunted your dreams night after night, long months after you broke up. You still tell each other "I love you", but you know she doesn't mean it the same way that you do. Or does she? Sometimes it's impossible to tell. Sometimes, when she leans in to whisper something in your ear, she lingers, staring a few seconds too long at your eyes, or your mouth.. like she wanted to.. kiss you?
But she convinced you, finally, that you were never going to be more than friends. You, finally believed her. Things got easier, the tensions relented for a while. Until the next week, when she says she needs a good fuck. Until later that night you find out she meant you.
But she didn't mean for you to fall all over again. Not that you could help it, or that you wanted to. There was something intangible about her insanity that made you tell her one night in the car you were retarded for her.
No, there came a point where being there for her all the time and not getting a moment in return. A moment when I snapped, something broke inside. I couldn't tell her that I didn't want to deal with it anymore.
Slowly, we've drifted apart. I doubt she considers me her best friend anymore. Sometimes, it's depressing. Most of the time, I realize that it could be worse.
Knowing she couldn't help it makes it easier.maybe I'll email her..