Having cleaned myself of the physical
grime of yesterday, I got in my car and drove somemore. The freshly fallen
snow, with tracks crissing and crossing, crunched under my tires as I drove to the
park in the center of town. Walking through the
bare trees, feeling the
cold air,
my cheeks barely warmed by the light of the sun, I thought about my decisions made earlier that day.
This walk through the park was like a final
survey of the life I was denying and leaving behind. Watching the people in their
business suits walking
to and fro, battling the wind and each other in their quest for a little more money. Seeing a little girl take delight at feeding the birds with her mother, the
wonder of discovery flashing on her eyes.
Suburbia at its finest. I walked to a
bench, and lit a cigarette. Watching the sun get
blotted out by a cloud, and that cloud moments later blotted out in turn by my exhaled
smoke, I felt a
brief tug of regret. I knew I could stay, even at this comparatively late hour in my planning. I knew I could "
settle down" as everyone who has called it. And I knew
I might be happy that way. But something about it
repelled me. Something
inherent to it, at this moment, repulsed me in such an acute and powerful manner I would accept total uncertainty and increased danger to avoid it. I would follow a path that may lead to my own regrets and
personal destruction to not take the risk of whether I could be happy like that or not. And I used that fact to, in the end,
justify leaving this all behind.
I walked back to my car. I felt this as the last moment that I could back out with minimal effort. I took one last long
draw of my cigarette, looked behind me, and flicked it away. Getting into my car, I knew that whereever I was going, it was going to be drastically different than it was here. Whether this was good or not was beyond my caring anymore. All I knew is that
I rejected that path which had been mandated for me, and I was finding my own. So good or bad, healthy or not, safe or dangerous, it was my own. It was with a certain excitement that I pulled back into traffic...