Sometimes I get the feeling that my subconscious likes to surprise me in ways I never thought possible, by revealing emotions that previously passed my thoughts like a lonely pebble on the corner of a sidewalk. Today was one of those days- all centered around a moment that made me feel like I wanted to spontaneously combust and crawl under the covers at the same time.

I'm the classical female commitment phobe, in fact one of my friends characterized me as Alyssa in Chasing Amy. Something scares me about it- I feel this attachment and longing torwards another soul and I get scared, I wonder why and how and I just feel like I lose my direction. I don't know if I'm ready for anything now, but I value my independence. I like the feeling of being able to kick ass alone, have a job, cook my own dinner, and being able to fart and burp in the privacy of my own home. The irony is that despite all of this, despite this bachelor pad style life, I am still achingly lonely, and it gets to the point where I will even cry at songs and chick flicks I once denounced. Today was one of those days where I wanted so badly to go against the rules I have set up for myself in this empty existence that is my own life. There are smiles and laughter on the outside- I look great; but I'm empty inside and what scares me the most is that this friend of mine can see what I am and see what I want the most.

Not to say that all of my day was full of dangerous longing, in fact most of today was wonderful. My stepfather is a Harley Davidson buff and he managed to drive me 45 miles to this friend's house (me bundled up and shivering the whole way, it was 30 degrees this morning). Exhilarated, I jumped off the bike and rushed into the house It was me, his brother, and his adorable little sister that watched great anime (including Serial Experiments Lain, which everyone must watch) for a five hour marathon. But the moment was still yet to come. The best part is that I feel so close to them all, like in some weird twisted way we were related in a past life, and I want to cry when I know that the brother and sister are going to grow up and have a family when what I had is some sick joke.

The four of us went upstairs- his little sister longed to learn how to play chess, and I longed to teach her, for I always love seeing a sign of vitality and spunk in the next generation of women. Let me explain that his room is gorgeous- it is a loft overlooking the rest of his house, with a beautiful view of the countryside and windows open so that the scent of grapefruit and the rush of the wind can permeate inside of the room. Sunlight streams in and highlights everything, every strand of hair and every cheekbone, so that you feel as if you are in a room of Paradise and content where everyone is beautiful and time stands still for you to enjoy simply being there. It was in the middle of her first chess game that the moment began- where I saw him, under the pretense of sleeping, give me a *look* that made me feel like the lead character in Like Water for Chocolate . It was more than romantic, in fact it was greater than that, because it was a look of the pure and untainted love for someone else. He loved me, I saw it in his eyes, and I wanted so badly to return that look, but shyness made me avert my eyes like some force of nature that wanted to keep me away from his passion. And it clicked- all of that denial, all of that convincing myself out of the relationship- it just faded away and I knew that I could no longer deny our mutual attraction. It lasted only for a moment, but I know that we have changed, and I feel so heady and emotional that I don't know if happy is the right word to classify it.

Neither of us talked about it, in fact I doubt that he knew that I saw that gaze. We held hands on the drive home, and we gave each other one last parting stare before I finally had to go inside. And now, I feel like crying- both tears of joy and the longing that is waiting to see him again, for our times together are far apart and often short. And I wonder at what kind of God, if there is one, wires us to want what we can't have. I'm confused yet happy, and I laugh that my life is becoming such a messy contradiction- like the universe, my being must seek to become more and more chaotic before it can finally be stable.