I'm tired, like all of the time. Constantly, bone grindingly tired. And still I don't sleep. Well, I do, but these days it seems I can make about four hours maximum of unbroken but nightmare filled unconsciousness that can take forty eight or more hours of constant mental activity to achieve. Hardly worth it really.
I remember having this problem back when I was too young to drink coffee, smoke, or have any of the vices 'they' recommend one abstains from in order to regain sleeping patterns, (so I know it's not that). Sure, I drink too much coffee, but when one's mind is half asleep but won't go all the way one may as well try to make being awake a worthwhile and productive experience with stimulants.
As I said, this has been a life-long trouble. My parents recall what a sleepless baby I was (and yet still manage to blame my lifestyle in the same breath, unable to understand that my lifestyle has formed around my insomnia rather than vice versa). I used to go to bed as an older child and just lie there, waiting for the next day's worth of school to happen. In the end I gave up trying and read under the covers till I passed out. I probably got more education as a result of that than ever turning up to class, all bleary eyed and useless.
As the years rolled by I adapted, I became known as a night owl even though I was awake during most of the day too. I got into the cliché geek all night computer programming sessions, writing music on the PC, all that fun stuff. I found myself inspired more during the night, as do most artistic types. I didn't enjoy the sleeplessness but I started looking at it as more of a gift, a way to access my artsy side during the hours when everyone else slept.
But now it's getting silly. I hallucinate regularly, (nothing wild, just things wobbling that shouldn't, like concrete pillars), my thought processes are, frankly, fucked up and my mood gets more bitter by the day. And the nightmares, unless I get thoroughly stoned before I crash out, I get the most incredibly dark nightmares which really don't help at all. (I admit though, I've picked them up in more recent years.)
Maybe I should see a doctor, but I get the feeling I'll get the same old advice, (no caffeine, no smoking, no this, no that, all of which I've tried at some points before) or I'll get an expensive prescription for pills that'll leave me feeling shittier that before. Perhaps I'm better off ranting in here, hour on end until the wee smalls instead.
I'm off to bed to stare at the ceiling for a while. Wish me luck...