user since
Sat Mar 23 2013 at 21:05:43 (5.3 years ago )
last seen
Sat Mar 23 2013 at 23:04:22 (5.3 years ago )
level / experience
0 (Initiate) / 0
mission drive within everything
I want to be happy
A little bit of everything
Division 3 private university, long-term unemployed
Why can't things just be what they are?
Send private message to 33anda3rd

I was born and spent the first 18 in a small town in Wisconsin. My parents were (and still are) happy, loving, and married, and I grew up in a family with one younger brother.
I never fit in with people at school and only interacted socially with schoolmates in my senior year. I was very unhappy, harassed, paranoid, and sometimes grateful for the times where I was invisible for weeks in which nobody talked to me.
Insecure, I attended college far from home and graduated in four years with a humanities major. I actually had friends here. Cliche as it sounds, I was a painful person from my adolescent misery and began smoking marijuana heavily and it helped this sadness. About a week after graduating from college My relationship with my only proper girlfriend ended, depression and desperation, every other drugs, and within 6 weeks a suicidal crisis and my family came and took me away.
Since then I have worked in a popular sandwich chain of restaurants, and also as a print journalist for a year each.
More suicidal, drinking and drug heavily while a journalist, couldn't do the job, Andes up admitted to psych facility, again suicidal. For the last five years I've lived with my parents and have no job. I am deeply ashamed and guilty about my failures and the way I live.
The unspoken agreement has been that my parents provide me with food, housing, and medical care; In return for these needs being met I don't kill myself.
I've replaced the comfortable distraction of drink and drugs with constantly being in action. I usually start activities and do not follow through on them. I study interests in the abstract and when afforded an opportunity to pursue my interests I lack the tenacity and volition to do so, and am disappointed when the reality doesn't meet the ideal fantasy I've studied myself into. This is very frustrating, it makes me feel guilty.
I am interested in: Woodworking, blacksmithing, machining and machine tools, calligraphy, the history of and impacts of increasing mechanical precision. I am fascinated by old tools, bookbinding, manual drafting, hydrological glacial geomorphology, religion, high-precision tools and instruments, 3D cad design, old watches, functional leatherwork, marling spike rope and sewing work, Buddhist and Vedic philosophy, and competitive timbersports (specifically axe and saw) and the history of the development of technology applicable to the logging industry. I like complicated mechanisms, old log building, I pick up interesting rocks and save them. Cosmology, especially entropy fascinates me and makes me feel very small. I am great at recalling obscure facts that I find interesting and like my father and grandfather I have an uncanny ability to find four-leaf-clovers without trying to look for them.