Zingers® Creme Filled Cakes are wonderful little cakes made by the Dolly Madison Bakery®. The newer ones say "Great New Taste" but they taste the same to me as they always have. Maybe they have more Soylent White in them now, eh?

They come in several varieties, but the only one I ever eat is chocolate. Therefore the information below pertains to the chocolate variety.

Ingredients: sugar, enriched bleached wheat flour (flour, reduced iron, "B" vitamins (niacin, thiamine mononitrate (B1), riboflavin (B2), folic acid)), water, corn syrup, vegetable and/or animal shortening (contains one or more of: partially hydrogenated soybean, cottonseed, or canola oil, beef fat), high fructose corn syrup, cocoa processed with alkali, modified wheat starch. Contains 2% or less of: whole eggs, wheat starch, guar gum, cellulose gum, agar, leavinings (baking soda, sodium acid pyrophosphate, monocalcium phosphate), natural and artificial flavors, salt, monoisolate, polysorbate 60, sorbitan monostearate, propylene glycol, calcium sulfate, sodium caseinate, adipic acid, sorbic acid (to retain freshness), artificial color (Yellow #5).

Nutrition Facts
  • Serving Size: 3 Cakes
  • Servings per Container: 1
  • Calories: 450
  • Calories from fat: 140
  • Total fat: 16g (25%)
    • Saturated fat: 7g (35%)
    • Cholesterol: 20mg (35%)
  • Sodium: 90mg (16%)
  • Total carbohydrate: 74g (25%)
    • Dietary fiber: 1g (4%)
    • Sugars: 53g
  • Protein: 4g
  • Vitamin A: (0%)
  • Vitamin C: (0%)
  • Calcium: (4%)
  • Iron: (8%)

So as you can see, they are very nutritious. The percentages noted are the RDA (Recommended Daily Allowance) decided upon by the US Food and Drug Administration, which is part of the Department of Agriculture.

See also: velcro gloves, hacker food, diarrhea
Ah, Zingers. Specifically Yellow Zingers. By Dolly, the new, catchy, post-millenial moniker for Dolly Madison Bakery.

Tasty, yes. Miraculous, probably. Wonderful, debatable. Nutritious, not on your life.

Dolly has, like so many of her ilk, chosen to list the nutrition value of only a portion of the product contained in the smallest purchasable size. The nutrition listing, therefore, I am altering to reflect the whole 3-cake pack, as only children with siblings and excessively generous people with friends will be eating fewer. People on diets shouldn't even be eating one.

Percentage Daily Vaules are based on a 2,000 calorie diet.

As can be seen, there are no vitamins to be gained from eating these things. Plus, you take in 1/4 of your caloric allowance as well as your fat allowance (and 1/3 of your saturated fat). Unless you're pretty active, these are only good for gaining weight, and not in a good way.

And then we come to the ingredients list. If my boss had his way, they'd never make it past the front door. I've seen entire tv dinners with shorter ingredients lists! I wonder which would outlast the other between Zingers and Twinkies. So here, without further ado, is the ingredients list, straight from the back of the wrapper:

Ingredients: sugar, enriched bleached wheat flour (flour, reduced iron, "B" Vitamins {niacin, thiamine mononitrate (B1), riboflavin (B2), folic acid}), water, corn syrup, vegetable and/or animal shortening (contains one or more of: partially hydrogenated soybean, cottonseed, or canola oil, beef fat), high fructose corn syrup, modified wheat starch. Contains 2% or less of: whey, whole eggs, leavenings (sodium acid pyrophosphate, baking soda, monocalcium phosphate), cellulose gum, guar gum, agar, nonfat mild, salt, cornstarch, dextrose, soy protein isolate, calcium sulfate, polysorbate 60, sorbitan monostearate, propylene clycol, sodium caseinate, adipic acid, sorbic acid (to retain freshness), color added (yellow #5 and #6).

I can't even pronounce some of those, and for most, I couldn't tell you what they are or what they do. Perhaps in another 20 years, they'll discover that one or more causes cancer and change it. Perhaps not.

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