It feels like everything stops, like everyones' eyes are on me.
The hairs on my neck stand up as I grin, I hope not too foolishly. My heart beats faster and I look away, hating it.
It makes me uncomfortable because there is no good response, that I can think of, to that comment. I can say "Yes I do!" but that's a lie. I can say "You're right, I don't." which is true, but sounds stupid when I say it. Or I can sit there and not say anything, which makes everyone uncomfortable, but is what I would most like to do.
Sometimes people think I don't like them because I don't talk much. Sometimes I cultivate this feeling because it makes it easier on me. I act distant and cold so that I don't have to go through the strain of being open and friendly. I wish I didn't.
I know people say it to make me open up, but it does the opposite. Once it has been pointed out that I don't talk much I begin to feel I cannot now talk without looking foolish. I resent the feeling, and in turn I resent the person who made the comment.
It's not that I don't talk at all. People who get to know me realize quickly that I'm not all that quiet. I'm just shy around new people. New friends point out that I seem to be a different person now that they've gotten to know me. Maybe I am.
If you're out with a person and they aren't talking much, don't point it out. Ask them a question instead. Maybe they just don't know what to say. I would appreciate it if more people seemed interested in knowing more about me then pointing out what I view as a fault.
Sometimes I wish I was different. But as Modest Mouse says:
Everyone's afraid of their own life
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right?