The noise around consumes me. I let it roll over me like a crashing
wave, engulfing my very being. Thoughts flood my mind, unspoken,
unable to break free. I hear my name, it pulls at me from my hidden
place, reality snaps back in. I look around and smile, tonight was a
good idea. I am surrounded by friends and coworkers. It is an odd feeling
to me that they can be the same. I pull away from my cloak of
distraction and realize the reason my attention was called. I smile at
the server and tell a joke to mask my delay, the table laughs and I
order another drink. The conversation flows freely tonight. Here, I can
I talk of work now, of policies and thoughts. I see
them in my mind, a swirling panorama of ideas and concepts that seems
to me as real as any object around me. I wonder idly if anyone can see
them as I can. The talk around me drifts to politics. I laugh inside
and wonder if people see the end of the world as I do. I smile and push
the conflict out of my mind. Tonight is not about me, it is about
friends. I look over at her, our guest. Tonight is about her. Thoughts
spill through my mind, a torrent of curiosity. The intrigue cuts
through me like a knife. The things I will never know sometimes hurt
more than the many things that I do.
I have known her for many
months, yet I have never met her until this week. A strange thing that
can happen in today's age. Technology, I feel the mirth inside me
bubbling. The very thing that pays for my living is often the thing
that confuses me the most. I remember the first day my eyes saw her.
Through the grainy picture of virtual training. She is as mysterious to
me now as she was then. The sound of her voice echoes in my head. I
realize how strange it is to think such thoughts. Myself, who has never
believed in destiny. "I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul"
hold my drink close to me. The alcohol fills the gaps in my soul and
clouds the arguments of my heart. Drinks, food, friends. The night is
still young. I have all that I need. My own words fall empty at my feet. The
night continues on. Words spill from my mouth. I enjoy this exchange of
thoughts and emotions. To be free with ones thoughts is a pleasure many
do not know. I take what freedom I can.
Laughter fades as our
night starts to draw to a close, or so we believe. For some the
drunkenness is a lack of control, a weakness. For others, it is our
escape. Need drives us on. More drinks, more talk, more fun. As the night draws on our escape
draws nearer. I share many laughs and thoughts, but some I keep for
myself. We talk of drugs, of the freedom that they bring. She is still
with us. I see her smile and laugh. I feel the
same rush of thoughts take over me. We share moments and thoughts, and
a cigarette as well. She is ever as I imagined. I cannot think these
thoughts, I am bound by promises and vows. Yet there is something that
we share, murmurs that both of our hearts feel. I feel this connection.
I wonder if she feels it as well. I feel my need, burning inside me. A
fire that lights my soul, a fire that I forever put out.
The night grows old, yet it is still early. Yet again we face a
decision. Only the loneliest now will continue. We still feel the need
for oblivion, that sweet surrender of our consciousness. To forget our
needs and fears. That is why we continue. We search, ever trying to
silence the demons inside.
Now there are two. Lost souls in search of answers. We continue on, not
ready to give in to sleep. We are in her car. We must keep
going, she tells me of the drinks back at her room. It is raining now,
I feel the wetness of it on my face. We stop for cigarettes. She needs
to use the restroom. I buy my pack and step outside to light up. I
don't look away, I look back for her.
We are off again, chatting idly of all that comes to mind. I love her
mind, the thoughts that she thinks are the thoughts that I think. I
wonder if she put them there. We are here, I see the vast expanse of
the hotel towering above us. We laugh as we walk in from the rain. We
take the elevator up to her room. There is more talk, of books now.
There is a feeling in the air, electricity. My heart is pounding. I
feel the world rushing around me. My lips meet hers. I can feel the
softness of her skin as I hold her close. There is a fire in her, the
same fire that burns in me. I can feel it now, so strong. It is as if
my very soul is on fire. The heat consumes me and draws me in. I can no
longer put this out. LongingPainFear... It all burns away. We lie
together now, the warmth of her body feeds mine. I feel her, my soul is
crying out. I hear hers answer mine.
Even as I write now. I still remember, every curve. Every detail. The
shape of her neck. The taste of her tongue against mine. The feel of me
inside of her. The smell of her hair. The sound of her voice. I carry
her mark even though it is now fading. I feel her with me even now.
Though we are so far apart, we are together even now. I will always
remember, I will never look back. Until we next shall meet.
Mon amour pour vous brûle toujours...