I can't see very clearly right now, let alone write anything down, so I'm recording this to be written at a later date. I hope I remember this tomorrow. I know this may seem a little strange, but I can't sleep, so what the hell. Maybe someday I'll look back and say "Wow, did I really do all those things?" God, I hope I don't ever say that.
(deep exhale, pause)
Okay. I'm outside right now, on a bench. I wanna smoke, but I know if I do ill puke. It's very late...or very early. I don't know. I'm looking at this awful building I call home. I really wish I didn't live here, but what can one do? I have no choice.
Let's see...I'm sure if I start from the beginning I'll forget something, so I'll work backwards. Just now, I was inside, trying to sleep. I yakked once upstairs i think. That's probably why I'm feeling better right now. Before I went up, I was down here, smoking. There was someone else here, but I didn't talk to them.
I was driving before that. I know it's horrible, and stupid, and very unsafe, but it was necessary. It wasn't far anyways. And I can drunk drive very well. I was coming from, uhhh, Lauderdale I think. I'm not sure what that area is called these days. Stupid cities have weird boundaries. Oakland Park and US 1. Somewhere around there. It was a hotel. A shitty hotel. The kind with hourly rates. Haha...(brief chuckle).
I sound like a scumbag. Don't worry I didn't pay. The girl owns the place...or her family does or something like that. That's why I had to come back here. The maids go around and clean up the rooms and someone would've found me or something like that. There was a good reason. I hope. Anyways, I was with Paige. Interesting name I think. It's funny I know another Paige and shes a redhead too. Maybe it's a redhead name. No that's stupid, don't write that down.
Anyways, Paige is different. She does a lot of drugs, and she's a little bit insane, but I like that. The insane part. I'm a little insane myself. A lot insane actually. That's why I write so much. So many thoughts just circulating in my head all the time, I need to write them down or ill fucking go crazy. Like, publicly crazy. Ball-is-tic. Yep.
I met Paige a while ago. She was around me often, and we got along naturally. I swear I wasn't even trying to pick up on her when I first met her. I thought she was the type that had a long line of dudes just waiting to bone her. I figured she got hit on all the time, so i didnt even bother. I must've shared hundreds of cigarettes with this girl, though. She's an interesting person.
(pause, plane rumbles overhead)
Regardless, I did Paige tonight. Several times. My hands still smell like her. That was pretty fun, I guess. For some reason I think girls enjoy sex alot more than guys. I think they get more out of it. Maybe im just a weird guy, or maybe I was emotionally abused as a child and crave some kind of connection more than just sex. But it's never "just sex" is it? Theres always some other shit going on, even if you don't notice it. I don't know.
I met Paige tonight at that house. It was a nice house out on Las Olas. Yacht out back and everything. The whole nine yards. I wasn't expecting her there. I didn't know she hung out with people like that. Rich people. They're different, i dont care what you say. They're nice i guess. But i know they wouldnt take a bullet for me like my real friends would. They have tooooo much to lose.
Fun to drink with though. And man did we drink. Everyone there was plastered by the end of it. I remember one of Paige's friends that had come along with her gave me a wink and said something like... "Don't keep her up too late" as we left. I didn't know what to say to that. I laughed...and silently judged her. What a horrible friend - she lets some dude she's never seen before drive her friend home, drunk as anything, knowing full well we're about to be fucking. I wouldn't have let my friend get in the car with me.
She did know my name though. Maybe Paige had told her about me or something. Or maybe I've met her before and didn't bother to remember her. Who knows. I'll give her some cool points for not trying to stop us though. Even though I think it was an asshole move. She must've figured it out while we were in the house. Paige wasn't exactly being discreet about anything. She is an excellent kisser by the way. Did things were that tongue that I've never so much as imagined before. She tasted like strawberries. I couldn't get enough of this girl to be honest. I'm still struggling to get her out of my head....
Mmmmm. Yeaaah. So...the house. It was a good time, I suppose. It wasn't anything extraordinary - a lot of alcohol, some pot, some coke, a couple of people. Maybe a few more than a couple. I don't know. I was busy.
Paige showed up a little while after I did, maybe at 12? She came with 2 other girls and a dude. I've never seen them, but apparently they knew the host. I knew it was on the second she walked in the door. Her fiery hair was tied back and she wore a black dress that was just short enough. The look in her eyes was unmistakable. I guess i did something right, or maybe I was just convenient. Regardless, I knew every dude there was going to try to mack, and I knew every dude there would fail, but i would succeed. I didn't even have to mack. She was all over me. Good pregame I guess. Or maybe she really likes me....
(pause, lighter flicks)
It's getting brighter now. Or maybe im just sobering up. Or maybe a combination of the two. What the hell am I doing.
Right. So...the house. I came through there expecting to chill for a while, but head home early and call it a night. A friend knows the guy that owns the house and had called me earlier and asked me to swing by. I wasn't expecting much, but decided to swing by and say hi at least. The friend I mentioned is Kevin, a really fantastic guy. I met him back in college and we shared a lot of good times. I haven't seen him for a good minute. I don't even know what he does these days.
I think i drove over there around 10. Before that I was with...fucking...Jessica. Jessica works in the same building as me, and is married to a friend of mine. I helped her get her job. I didn't know she was a whore. I ditched her the second she came onto me. I don't know what kind of guy she took me for. We had dinner at T.G.I Fridays and had a few drinks at the bar after. Her husband is out of town for a while and she said she didn't want to be home alone tonight. I took her out as a friend. Last time I do that.
Another friend and I were out before that fiasco took place. We sparked a blunt out on his porch and had a couple of brews at a local spot. It was a nice break from my thoughts, you know?
Before that I was right back here, waking up. And that has been my day. If anybody even cares.
I guess what I'm trying to do here is get over something. But I don't know what it is. It's like...a fucking invisible wall or something and I can't seem to figure out where it ends. How can you get over a fucking invisible wall?
The sky is definitely getting brighter right now. The clouds right above me are streaked orangeish-pink. The color has a familiar feel to it. I like this.
I wish I knew why I'm still awake.
This is something big, I know it is. It has to be. Something about this night has got my mind racing like it's in the fucking kentucky derby. Son of a bitch.
(lighter flicks again)