and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings
on products that present hazards
to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings
, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary
in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement
of suitably informative warnings
on the packaging of every
product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT
per Net Ounce
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle
," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds that Heisenburg
was never quite sure that his principle was correct)
: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling
," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random
Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible
for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory
, the Primary Particles
Constituting this Product May Decay
to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER
PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter
in Any Form, a Catastrophic
Explosion Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any
Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder
in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death
of the Universe.
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Herein
, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists
Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled
to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights
Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories
Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing
This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague
NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons
, etc.) Comprising
This Product Are Exactly the Same
in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting
This Product, Since Its Mass
, and Thus Its Weight
, Is Dependent
on Its Velocity Relative
to the User.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse
Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed