I'm talking to my lover, about sex, as lovers do, and he is stunned when
I tell him I have never owned a vibrator. He tells me I must buy
one, and goes on to say he'll send me the money as a gift.
My female friends seem to agree with him, so I think "well...why not?"
The first thing you need to know is that at this point I haven't been in
a sex shop for probably 17 years, and the second that I've never
visited one in in New Zealand. Oh, I know where they are but I've
never been in....
So off I go, my mind made up, deciding to go to 'Barbarellas', as at
least if I'm seen by my fundamental Christian clients leaving there I can claim
I went in for lingerie...
Anyway, I go in to see rows and rows of shelves of videos and magazines,
and various items of frilly things hung up -- all way too small for me of
course -- my eyes combing the shelves looking in vain for anything that
vaguely resembes a 'toy'.
Then I see them. Behind the counter. The counter with the motherly
looking woman stood at it and the 6 burly Maori blokes standing at the
rack of magazines next to it. I nearly bottle out at this point and
slink out the door, but I'm a big brave girl....
So, I go up to the counter and tell the lady -- Shona, according to her
name badge -- that I am looking for a vibrator. She, of course, asks what
kind, and I confess that I have actually never bought one before. So,
she brings down a range for me to look at -- plastic ones, latex ones,
rubber glittery ones, you name it. And then she gives me a little
discourse on each, turning them on and having me feel the vibration.
By this time three of the guys at the racks are watching with some
interest, and all I want to do is make a choice and get out of there...
So I decide on a realistic looking latex item, and she asks whether I
want this size, going to wrap up the smallest one... I shake my head and
tell her, no, not the small one. (I don't quite have the courage to
ask to look at 'non-standard' items given the audience but I know
I don't want the smallest one.)
So I decide on the next one up... she pops some batteries in the box,
wraps it up and tells me to make sure I use a water based
lubricant if I need one.
And I make my escape, the purchase safely in my bag, unseen by anyone
from work.
Phew!
I'm glad that is over...
So, I get home, open the box, put the batteries in and screw the top on.
And I go to bed, and get comfortable, and turn the control on the base
and....
It falls off.
Yup -- there on the floor, looking at me, this litte red disc, that will
not go back on, no matter what I do...
At this point I start to giggle.... in my mind I become "The woman
who can't even turn a vibrator on."
And I know that tomorrow, I'm going to have to go back there, and
do it all again.
I'm so glad I have a sense of humour.