We ran from the town. It was on fire and the raiders were coming. We fled through the orchard, hand in hand. We were going to die. They were coming for us, and it was the end of the world.

I had not figured out what I believed in yet, and had not completed all the things I wanted to accomplish with my life. I had not seen the world, I had not found the Truth. But these things seemed trivial and far away, like memories of having to do laundry or change the oil. I was walking hand in hand with her. Nothing else mattered.

Everything in the world became so simple, so divine. I knew I was spending my last minutes alive, but it did not matter. Never had I seen such a vibrant sky, such perfect colors, such a beautiful woman. We stopped walking, and looked in each others eyes. I woke.

I have never felt so much pain. It hurt me more deeply that I thought was possible. I had been curled up in the fetal position for the past 20 years, and only now was I stretching. I didn't realize that I felt that intensely until I had it and it was taken away. The pain wasn't from regret or the thought that she might reject me, but the fact that what I had dreamt was not real. I had been finally at peace, in love, happy in completeness. I wanted nothing more than to walk with her through the orchard. Nothing else mattered. Nothing else matters.

It's been months since I had the dream. I see remember every detail of it, nothing has faded. I see her face as she turns to me, I see her eyes. I fall asleep thinking of her, and the dream comes again and again. Each time I am more miserable. Each day I feel myself slipping deeper into a dark place.

Love isn't supposed to be like this. Love is supposed to be uplifting and joyous, bringing the very best out of people. Love is patient, kind, caring, respectful. I am none of these things anymore. I am being eaten alive with desire. Not to kiss her, not to have sex with her, but to see her look at me the way I gaze at her. Just to see her smile her little devious smile and have that twinkle in her eye as we roll down the freeway with Sufjan Stevens singing:

"I'd do anything for you.
I did everything for you."

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