. . . Something I often wish I would do. No more of this "I love you" crap. Sometimes I just get the urge to stop with the "play nice" comments, bring out my stick, and cave in to the physical satisfaction of hitting someone stupid. My ears ache for those fullfilling *THWACK* noises (and the following yelps of pain) that are made when something solid hits human flesh.

Woman approaches counter.
Woman: How much do your pops cost?
Me: The smalls are $.88, the mediums are $.98 and the
larges are $1.08.
Woman: That much for a small?
Me: Yeah, sorry.
Woman: They charge $.88 for a small coffee? What a rip off!
Me: No, actually the small coffee's are $.48 and the larges are $.58.
Woman: What about the mediums?
Me: Actually, we don't have mediums. Just larges and smalls.
Woman looks confused.
Woman walks down to the end of the counter and picks up one of the tiny, free, LABELLED water cups.

Woman: Hello. . .
Woman knocks on her head.
woman: There is only one size here, and they are tiny. I am not paying $.48 for this cup.
Me: Miss. . . The coffee cups are actually right under the coffee pot. See the BRIGHT PINK SIGN on the counter that says,"Coffee cups below coffee pot?"
Woman: I don't like your attitude.

Now, by this point, I have a line of customers and 3 orders on the counter.

Woman grabs a large coffee cup, stalks down to Coke dispenser, and proceeds to fill the cup with Dr. Pepper.
Me: Well, actua. . .
Woman glares, and cuts in front of 6 irrate customers.
Me, Outloud: That will be $.88 Please.
Me, inwardly: *THWACK THWACK*

I used to work at Hollywood Video. Don't do that; if you do, get a stick.

For instance, this is every film question that I ever fielded:

Me: Hello?
Customer: Hi, do you have that movie?
M: What?
C: You know, that movie? With that guy?
M: Do you have a title?
C: No, it's that movie. With that guy. And that other guy. Oh, and that one girl with the hair.
M: That's not much help.
C: Well it has that theme song that goes 'dun dun DUN', you know? And it was directed by that guy who did that other movie. With the other guy...
M: No, I don't know. Have you been sent here by the devil?
C: ...And then they made a sequel to it, but it wasn't as good, and they got this one other guy to direct it so that might be why. I think my mother's third cousin's hairdresser's dog might have known him...

You get the point. I wish the store had permitted customer beatdowns.

I used to work at a Hollywood Video. It was the first and last clerk job I've ever held. It was hell. One night, this guy came in and rented Trainspotting. I had seen him a few times before, and when he asked me my opinion, I (foolishly) told him the truth--that I thought it was quite a good movie, etc. etc. About three hours later, he storms back in, waving the video in his hand, screaming about how bad it is, how he can't believe we would carry a movie that glorified drug use in such a way, and so on. It turns out that he ran a church youth group, and had rented it for their post-bible-study movie--smart guy, obviously. He went on and on, asking for the manager (who wasn't there), attacking me personally, and generally pissing me off.
I finally told him to fuck off.
He was absolutely stupified. He stood there with his mouth open for about a minute, then left without another word. He never came back.
That was about the only good thing that happened at that job. I still don't know why I wasn't fired for it. It felt GREAT though. I highly recommend it to anyone who has to suffer through a clerk job.

This is one that every theater jockey can relate to...


Me: Hi, welcome to Mann Theaters, what can I get for you?

Customer: Do you have popcorn?

Me: Yes we do! We have a small bag for $1.50, a medium bag for $2.25, or a large bag with free refills for $3.25. (Inwardly: You stupid prick, of course we have popcorn, we're a bloody movie theater! And the damned prices are on the damned price board!)

Customer: Oh, my, those are expensive! I'd like a small bag please.

(I begin to fill the bag with popcorn)

Customer: That's a small?!? That's absolutely tiny! You know what they're trying to do, right? They just want you to look at that tiny little bag you're paying all that money for and see how tiny it is and get frustrated and buy a medium for a dollar more. Well, that's outrageous! That's highway robbery! I'll just take a Coke!

Me: Sure! Smalls are $1.50, mediums are $2.25, and larges are $2.50. (Inwardly: OMG, here it comes again...)

Customer: High-way-robbery, yessir! I'll take a medium.

(Drink is filled, medium popcorn is made.)

Me: That'll be $4.50, please.

Customer: Here you go...(A five-spot)

(Two quarters, a greasy bag, and a leaky paper cup later...)

Me: Thank you, enjoy your show. (Inwardly: 'You too.', I know it...)

Customer: You too.

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