This is getting over you

I woke up one morning with the realization that he had left me. In a mental sense, having nothing to do with the reality of the situation. He had been the object to which my thoughts inevitably turn...in class, at work, in bed before I manage to fall asleep and as soon as I wake up in the morning. I would think of his kiss, his touch, the things he said that brought me happiness, the things he said that tore me apart. He was a space, an entity, a force like gravity in my mind and heart, and he never even knew he was there to begin with.

But I woke up one morning, and he had left. Not gradually, the way that he took up residence within me, but all of a sudden. I went to reach for him, and instead of the memory of soft lips, I feel only a dull ache, like that of an old injury on a damp day.

Part of me wants to rebel, fight against this...anything is better than this strange emptiness, even recalling careless words and actions that hurt me more than anything, ever. The memories are still there, if I concentrate I can pull them out, but it's not the same. He is an empty space in a broken heart.

And yet this is a good thing. This is what they mean when they say "This too shall pass." This is getting over you.

I’m not an alpha dog. But I still rock.

I don’t have gun turrets and bayonets. I don’t storm beaches or smile the confident smile of the dealmaker. I wont sweep you into my arms and transport you through colonnades. My heart is on my sleeve, not deep beneath a muscled chest. My actions don’t prompt streamers and cheers from the masses. If you're seeking a spark of excitement to ignite your passion or slay your boredom it won’t come from me. It's not me.

I will bond with you. I will give you warmth in the night and listen. I will remind you that you're beautiful and that your heart has golden thoughts that deserve to be heard and considered. For your tired body I have massaging caresses, when your heart aches you'll feel the touch of my soul. In the deep of night our breath will synchronize, my form will match yours and we will become one.

While the alpha dog takes the beach I will run silently, deep or at stellar altitude. Nobody will see me. But I'm there. I am there in the part of you that plans for your safety and thinks about the details of your happiness. I surprise you at airports and put superman stickers on notes of encouragement.

I listen to your son. I paint his room so it looks cool. I teach him how to play chess and race to him when he falls. I answer his questions. I admire his model empires. He was born and alive before I even knew him but his blood and his tears bleed from me.

Alpha excels in the parade of bravado. I fight on in the search for the truth. Alpha doesn’t need the affirmation of truth from either inside or out. But I do, and I fight monsters to reach it.