The worst thing about having a racoon in my car is that he keeps changing the radio channel when I'M DRIVING.
When he's driving it's fine. Driver changes the channel. I thought we'd agreed on this. Or at the very least I thought we'd worked out a passable sign language. But apparently it isn't clear.
Which is weird because I managed to get a working sign language going with the Orb Weaver Spider who set up a web in the back. You'd think it would be easier to sign with someone who has bigger hands! Maybe the Racoon is just agreeing to everything I say and then deciding to ignore me. Does a nod mean "no" in Racoonese like they do it in Greece? Maybe the Racoon is from Greece. I don't know, he drifted into the car when I was driving through Amsterdam. I think I was supposed to drive on the asphalt parts? Half of the city is a hell of a lot wetter than I expected and I rolled down the window to swipe the water off, as one does, and the seat got a bit soggy. And then a bit furry with the sudden presence of a Racoon.
Also a bit moldy. The Racoon growls at me now and then but I think he's placated by the forest that grows from the passenger seat. It provides acorns in the fall and birds in the spring. Trouble is I have to keep the windows rolled down so the birds don't feel cooped up, and if they want to get back in the car I have to slow down, and I don't like slowing down because I don't want people to catch up to me and ask what the hell is going on in the car. It's not too much of a bother except when the police officer asks, and then I have to speed away because usually when a police officer asks me anything it's a prelude to getting fined for something, excUSE ME if I happen to enjoy driving at a hundred miles per hour or riding my bicycle on the sidewalks of the city center or playing bary saxophone out the window at 3AM, why do these people have to cramp my style?
So yeah I haven't stopped in the past 300 days. It's fine. The birds and the acorns are both nutritious and I've plugged my electric pot into the car charger and I can stick the pot out the window and fill it with rainwater if I need to make a stew or water the trees. The rain is more frequent, these days. I can understand why a Racoon or a spider or a bird would want to take shelter in a nice warm car but why would a raincloud follow me? Just to be nice and give me a perpetual car wash? It's convenient for watering the seeds growing from the dirt caking the trunk but if I want to drive through Amsterdam again that's all going to wash away.
Maybe the raincloud is a damn snitch! Pointing me out to every cop who passes by! Which is apparently a lot because I've got at least five on my tail right now. If I just turn left here into the cornfield, maybe they won't follow...ah, nuts, they're still on my tail. Someone's going to have to pay off all the lost crop for this poor farmer and it's not going to be me unless I throw all my spare quarters out the window. Got any spare cash to donate to an angry farmer? Oh look here, we can lose them in this field of boulders. Sorry about the bumpy ride.
How'd you get into this car anyway? I haven't been in Amsterdam in a while and I'm not sure what the last time I slowed down was. OH, right, I've got the sunroof open. What, did you jump from a highway overpass and try to wnd it all, or something?
Oh. Well. Good thing I was passing by. You might have fallen into a different car and got stuck listening to the crap that passes for country music these days. Give me good old Florida Georgia Line any day of the week. I have NO idea why people think Jim Reeves is a good singer. Bleh. And the worst thing is this stupid Racoon here has precisely the opposite opinion!
I don't want to hear your musical opinion unless you're the one driving. Which could be pretty soon, I don't always trust the Racoon at the wheels and I'm getting pretty tired after 300 days in this seat. I'm perfectly willing to let you handle the next 300 days of driving. Yes, I know how long a day is. Two sunsets and two sunrises, right? Maybe I'm getting confused after staring at the road for too long. Hey, can you climb in the back and fix me a cup of coffee? Yeah, it's right next to the stove. No, the stove next to the Raspberry thicket. Thanks. Don't mind the spider, he builds webs over everything out of habit. I kind of like the flavor of spidersilk in my coffee anyway.
Here comes the rain again. I like to think that the raincloud is there so I can water the fields wherever I go like some damn Johny Appleseed. But then I'd have to drive through the fields and ruin the seeds, right? Otherwise the rain is just watering a bit of the field to either side of the road as i drive along. Ah, maybe it's something. If I ever stop will it just keep raining in one place forever? I'm not going to find out. Not yet. We have to get to the Sahara first. Racoon here has never been to the Sahara. Wanna go to the Sahara? He's shaking his head, I think that means yes. What about the spider? Wait, that's a no. One vote no and two votes yes. How about the Moose? Okay, that snort didn't sound happy. Two in favor and two opposed. You break the tie.
What do you mean you want out? I'm not stopping for nobody. Alright, flip a coin. Heads we go tails we go.
Edge, huh? Alright, let's try Madagascar. Who votes for Madagascar?
That's one, two, three, four -- hang on, people, I meant the island not the movie.
Four votes nay. Fine. I guess We're just going to keep heading west until we hit Weast where the sun dribbles like a basketball. No, no, it's a real place, I've been there once. I think. That might have been the time I was dumb and ate one of the mushrooms from the passenger seat.
Aaaaaaand here are the cops again. I guess they're coming with us.
Would you do the honors of selecting the music?
Jesus Christ, I can't believe you like Jim Reeves too.