For obvious reasons, this one is probably more applicable to the guys in the audience than it is to the ladies.
We’ve all heard the saying that “Nothing is ever as simple as it sounds” and sperm donation is no different.
On the face of it though, how hard can it be? You’ve donated countless times in the pleasure of your own company haven’t you? Why not get paid for it while you’re at it?
The truth is, if it were that easy, there’d be a twenty four hour Spermbucks on every corner instead of the Starbucks that we see now. Guys would probably stand in line for days clasping their little vials of Viagra and porn magazines in their hands just waiting to step up to the plate.
But since it isn’t that easy, there are some things you should know before you generously make your donation.
Step One – Finding The Right Place
Just like before going out on any date, first of all you’ve got to find one. There’s two ways to go about this. You can ask your family doctor for their wizened advice on the matter. This is probably the best approach since they can tell you about all the “ins and outs” of the procedure and what it entails. They can also refer you to some reputable institutions and from there you can limit the field down to those that meet your needs.
The second method is to go solo and do your own research. There’s this thing called the “Internet” that can probably help but there’s also a couple of things you should be on the lookout for. The first and foremost is to make sure the sperm bank you’re dealing with is licensed by the State. Believe it or not, some not so reputable institutions could be doing some very weird and possibly illegal things with your prospective offspring. Once you find such a place, you should pay it a visit yourself, after all first hand experience (no pun intended) is a good thing.
Step Two – The Introduction
To use the date analogy, before you ask someone out, you usually screen them first. The same thing happens to prospective sperm donors by those institutions looking to reap the benefits of what you sow. Here’s a couple of things that might help.
You should be between the ages of 18 and 34. That’s because the swimmers of younger men take better to the freezing process than that of their elders and also handle the defrosting better.
While good things might come in small packages in this instance it helps to be tall. Especially if you’re over six feet in height. It seems that the womenfolk prefer donors who are tall in stature. I wonder why that is?
Your weight/height ratio should be proportionate. Apparently when the stars are aligned, that makes for healthier sperm
You must at least have a high school diploma and preferably a college degree. They don’t want to drain the gene pool from anybody who hasn’t made it at least that far.
Ok, if you’ve ever had hepatitis B hepatitis C, HIV, genital herpes, venereal disease or venereal warts or ebola, sorry about your luck. Those disqualify you immediately.
Step Three – Getting To First Base
Ok, you and your date seem to like each other. Things went well the first time you went out and now it’s time to see if you might be a match made in heaven. It’s time to share a little more of yourself so you head down to the donation center and make a little deposit. You are herded off to a “private masturbation booth” where you commence to getting down to business. Your sperm (which you deposit in a cup if your aim is good enough) is handed over to nurse and you are sent home.
What you left behind then goes through a battery of tests that determine whether your swimmers have cut the mustard. The first thing that they’re looking for is the sperm count. They want to know just how much sperm you’re able to produce. No use in wasting time if they’re never gonna be put to good use. Secondly, they look to see how well they move and if they can make the swim upstream to eventually spawn. They then freeze some of your sample and see how it takes to the cold. Then they defrost it and see how it likes the warmer climates. Lastly, they check for any deformities that you might pass on should you become a sperm donor.
If you pass these tests, you’ll be called back and the process will be repeated, This is done to ensure that you’re not one of those “one hit wonders” that we see so often in the world of pop music.
If your second effort passes muster, you’re called back for a third time. No use in taking chances.
Step Four- Getting to Second Base
Ok, getting to first base wasn’t as easy as it sounded but at least you had some fun along the way. Now it’s time to separate the meat from the bone and get down to the real nitty gritty. I hope you have an extensive family history because you’re going to need it on order to go back and trace your roots for four generations.
Step Five – Getting To Third Base
Now that we’ve met the family and they seem ok, it’s time to get a little more personal. Let’s talk about you for a change. It’s time you went for a full blown medical exam that includes testing for such things that determine if you might be a carrier for cystic fibrosis, sickle cell anemia and a complete blood count is in order. They’ll also ask you to provide a urine sample to check for drug and alcohol abuse.
When those results come in and if you’re still in the running, you’ve still got some things that need to be checked about every three months. You can expect to be poked and prodded for such things as chlamydia, gonorrhea, hepatitis B, hepatitis C, HIV and syphilis.
Step Six – Hitting a Home Run
Well folks, you’ve done it! Now all that’s left is some nasty paperwork that might come back to haunt you in the years to come. What do you agree to?
First of all, in most cases you sign away your legal responsibilities for any babies that might be produced as a result of your efforts. Even if you find out that your sperm worked, you have no rights to the child. Chances are that you agree to remain anonymous and that you will never seek to have contact with any children your sperm might have produced.
You will also probably have to sign away your services for a period of three or so years. A good business likes a repeat customer.
You agree that before making a “deposit” that you won’t have sex with anybody else five days prior to doing the deed. That includes yourself!
If you prove to be a popular breeder, unlike horse breeding, they’ll only allow your sperm to produce ten offspring. After that, you are officially retired.
Step Seven - Where’s My Agent?
After all of this, you’ll probably wind up getting paid for your efforts. The amount will vary depending on the quality of your donation. It’s certainly not enough to make a living on but you can expect anywhere between 50 to 200 dollars for a weekly deposit.
Another thing worth noting; only about 5 percent of the people who apply to become sperm donors are eventually accepted. What can I say; it’s a buyer's market.
As esteemed user anthropod correctly point out, the practices described in this write up are Americentric and the practice and laws may vary from country to country. For instance, Canada has now made it illegal for a sperm donor to be compensated for their efforts.