When I was very young I fell off of my bicycle and slammed, chin first, into the pavement. It opened up a very bad gash on my chin and messed up my teeth. My mouth was already small to begin with so this didn't help. My family always fell right in between the poor and middle class so most of the time we were sliding by on an extremely tight budget. This made it impossible to afford the dental surgery that would be required to fix my bite. I grew up almost completely oblivious to my differences. I was always the first to laugh and a very big attention hog. I liked being the center and just really giving everyone joy.
I used to attend a private school and I was very sheltered. No secular music and TV was strictly monitored. Because of this I turned into a teen who couldn't relate really well to everyone else. Even my friends were starting to do things that I didn't understand. They listened to music that I couldn't listen to. Smoked something called weed off of aluminum cans and started relating more to the big kids. I felt a little abandoned and hurt. When I was at home I was playing GI Joes and reading X-men comics. Comics were one of the few things I could still relate to my friends on.
Soon my father announced that we were moving. I was very excited. I wanted the attention and love of my friends so much that I tried to pretend to be something I wasn't. I would lie about the things that were cool to them and say that I had done them all. Sure I'd had sex and sure I smoked and drank. Whatever makes you like me. All those lies were beginning to catch up to me. My friends were leaving me and I felt like my whole life was falling apart. Looking back that move was probably the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
When I moved I decided I wanted to change. First of all I needed to deal with something inside that was a source of a lot of rage. As a child I had been raped by my cousin David. It had made me confused for quite some time on whether I liked other boys or girls. I suddenly found myself dealing with a lot of feelings I never really faced. I was also going to start public schooling.
All of these childhood events came together to form a person with so many social disadvantages that somewhere along the way I lost any shred of identity I ever possessed. When I started high school I had a proper mindset but I wasn't prepared for this new experience. Suddenly people noticed my teeth and my bad acne. I learned self awareness and shriveled under the realization. People would whisper behind my back and some people just stared at my teeth when I talked. They wouldn't even listen to what I was saying. I began hiding them. I tried to keep from laughing so big. I ducked my head when I talked and covered my mouth when I laughed. I cleaned up my face and tried to buy "cool" clothes. Suddenly I became bitter at all these people. At some point I started being very cynical and somewhat mean. They all lived their little lives completely oblivious to any real emotion. These were such common thoughts for my age. I suddenly turned my rape into something that made me stronger than all these "trapped" idiots walking the halls. I was right back where I started except the decorations had changed. I was trying to prove to everyone that there was something special about me. I wanted something that stuck out and made me different. I would be their definition of cool and show everyone how much stronger, and more intelligent, I was because of my life experiences.
I gained a lot of friends. I was actually a very popular kid. The whole time I was lying to myself about who I was. I liked Jimi Hendrix without ever listening to him. I thought Pink Floyd was cool without even knowing a single one of their albums. I did all sorts of things just to get the attention I needed. The whole time hiding my teeth and my emotions. I was losing every shred there ever was of any truth within me. I couldn't cope with life. I got a girl pregnant when I was eighteen and gave the child up for adoption. I was with that girl for four years and cheated on her constantly. I constantly questioned who I was and turned it into a philosophy. I decided that I was an existentialist. Because I didn't fit in I pretended that it was because I saw something other people couldn't. I saw the machine. Everyone else were slaves and that's why they couldn't relate. I was on such a higher mental plane than these people. I am special, I am unique, you're only a part of the pattern, you're a sheep, product whore, consumer slave, close minded fool,
I'M BETTER THAN YOU! WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME!?
It all came crashing down. I had, what is called, an identity crisis. I think you're supposed to go through this around the time you're fifteen or so. I was twenty-one. I had a realization. I was a weak child trying to prove to everyone I wasn't. I still can't laugh without covering my mouth. That action is the perfect metaphor for my entire life. Everytime I had the chance to show everyone who I really was, I would hide and show them nothing. I'm twenty-two and I have barely decided what I'm going to do with my life. I've finally started thinking for myself and am killing off things that have been a part of me for years. I first started writing on this website to prove what a powerful thinker I was. I wanted to show everyone how unique and original I was. I only write now to say I'm not. I have nothing to say that you or someone else hasn't thought before. I'm still weak and don't know if I'll ever really grow up. I hate that one of the first things people look at is your smile when they meet you. This is the last node I will ever do. I didn't do many, but I have nothing beneficial to contribute. What's funny to me is that these realizations I'm having are quite childish. I'm behind in my development. This is monumental to me and very immature to someone else. I find humor in that and when I choose to laugh about it I'll be sure to cover my mouth.