Cleanliness is next to godliness, so it’s no surprise that you need a game plan while getting closer to G-d. This is where the shower routine comes in; a predetermined series of events that will occur while you are in the shower, removing the day’s filth from your body. Allowing for one not to become too overwhelmed by the enormity of the undertaking, a shower routine also gives you a comfort zone enabling you to enjoy your allotted time with as much ease as possible.

What follows is a shower routine performed (almost) daily by myself, and which I can only assume is followed by many others in the shower, too. If your shower routine differs in any way that is completely normal, and by no means should you feel different from the majority of G-d-like sanitizers.

To begin your shower experience you will first need to do the following things, in this exact sequential order, or your shower will be an utter failure:

  1. Enter your bathroom, or designated shower area,
  2. Perform an inventory check of your supplies, including
    • Bar of soap,
    • Shampoo (conditioner optional)
    • Towel (robe optional)
  3. Place your supplies in the necessary place, keeping easy access in mind,
  4. Turn on your main faucet, and set your temperature gauges,
  5. Become fucking naked as hell,
  6. Make the water come from the shower head,
  7. Enter bathtub or shower floor.

At this point it is easy to become confused, and vulnerable, but it is essential to remain calm, and under control. Recommended is taking the first two to three minutes to stand directly under the shower head, allowing the water to flow over your body. Use this time to collect yourself, perhaps reflecting on or looking ahead to the days events, and also to become aware of the task at hand. Once you are in your comfort zone, and ready to proceed, your shower routine will begin. First, however, a preliminary series of events should come to pass:

  1. Reach your comfort zone,
  2. Make necessary body adjustments, planting feet firmly, and facing toward oncoming water,
  3. Grab your bar of soap,
  4. Breath all the air you can into your lungs, which might be fucked up if you smoke, so don’t fucking smoke cuz that’s stupid shit.

We are now ready to proceed with the bulk of the shower, bar of soap in right hand:

  1. Extend your left arm into the stream of water,
  2. Rub soap on your skin, starting at your back shoulder, to your wrist, covering all area,
  3. During an up stroke, move the firmly held bar of soap across your chest,
  4. Moving across the chest, slide down to the tummy, where babies come from, or where you get fat sometimes,
  5. Switch bar of soap to left hand,
  6. Follow left arm procedure on right arm/shoulder,
  7. Switch bar of soap back to right hand,
  8. Starting on the upper thigh, rub bar all over your leg, all the way to your toes,
  9. Continuing in the right hand, do the same with your left leg,
  10. Turn your body so your back is facing the shower head,
  11. With soap in right hand cleanse back,
  12. Ignore yer dirty backside for now, you cheeky moonpie.

With this you have become clean for the majority of your body, save your dirty bits, and face. If all performed with haste, but precision, this portion of the shower routine can be completed within three to four minutes. Now, after setting your bar of soap down, moving on the head is in order. For this, you will need to do the following:

  1. Put your misshapen head under the water stream,
  2. Run hands through hair, as a lover may do, but more aggressively, possibly like a angry lover, about to shove you down some stairs after you just told your lover that you no longer love them so much because they ate the last piece of apple pie, which was made by your dying grandmother on her wedding night, what a shame,
  3. Make sure each follicle is moistened,
  4. Procure shampoo bottle,
  5. Pour the shape of a half dollar into your palm,
  6. Throw that shit onto your head and move it all around.

Now then, shampoo works best when it has some time to set. We will make best use of this setting time by cleaning your face, as follows:

  1. Put your face in the jet stream, making sure not to sully your setting hair juice,
  2. Re-grab the bar of soap discarded after body cleansing,
  3. Rub said bar all over your face,
  4. Re-put your face under the water, making sure not to sully your setting hair juice.

Your hair juice is set:

  1. Wash off your head,
  2. Enjoy the suds.

Finally, your body has become ninety-one percent clean, with the only remaining body parts to be clean being the butt and the frontal genitals. Clean them however your like, because I will not dive into your personal business here, that would be both inappropriate, and offensive.

To complete your shower routine simply do the following:

  1. Turn off the water supply,
  2. Exit the bathtub, or shower floor,
  3. Grab towel,
  4. Go crazy like a wolf tearing, drying,
  5. Move on to clothing routine.

Is it hard to impose the façade of G-d’s effigy, but with time, and practice, you will be able to emulate Him. A shower routine is something sacred, and will help you on your spiritual quest, but remember: prayer is also important, and without it nothing is happening. Enjoy.

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