I don't understand
it. Maybe I am afraid
of the dark. Perhaps my bed emanates a scent that brings out the worst
in me. Every time that I decide that it is time to logoff
and go to sleep for the night, I find myself totally overcome
paralyzed with fear.
What am I afraid of? It varies. Some nights, I am convinced that I am dying from a horrible disease. Other nights, I believe that the world is going to end by an asteroid crashing into it, a la Armaggeddon. Sometimes I just have recurring thoughts of killing myself and other times I relive bad dreams over and over, without being able to stop.
But the worst is when there is a thunderstorm. I do not know when or where I acquired this phobia, but it is not something that affects me all the time. Only at night, and only when I am trying to sleep. I am all right if I remove myself from the situation entirely, with a pillow over my eyes and headphones on top volume. But if I see the lightning or hear the thunder I am on the verge of insanity. I am constantly on my guard for something bad to happen.
And then I wake up in the morning and the dark is gone. The fear too has gone. It is like going to bed with a terrible headache and the next morning, waking up to feel just fine. It is not the presence of something comfortable that gives me pleasure, but the absence of something painful.
Nothing has never felt so good.