The state of Illinois puts out
a Rules of the Road booklet every year (the other states probably do too, but I don't live in those). In the eight years since I
took Driver's Education, I have come to the conclusion that the
DMV is playing a cruel joke on
everyone. They must have given roughly every third person an alternate
Rules of the Road. The rest of us drive like normal, sane people,
but this subset of the population drive like they're bat-shit crazy
and just want to piss everyone else off. Just remember: these
nice happy people think they're just following the rules, so
don't be too mad at them.
And without further adieu, the Alternate Rules of the Road:
matter how many people are behind you or how loudly they protest, you
must come to a complete stop before executing all turns. This rule
applies to right turns as well as left turns. When turning right, if
there is a shoulder present, for the love of God do not pull
into it, clearing the road behind you, as you slow down in preparation
for your turn. There could be workers, squirrels, homeless
people, other cars, or gravel in said shoulder, all of which could
be completely invisible and pose a danger to
- Turn signals are entirely optional. You may not choose to use them
if you fear you are being followed and are attempting to
throw off your would be pursuer, you do not want to use the extra
battery power required, or you are a double-amputee and are forced to drive by gripping the
steering wheel in your mouth.
- Turn lanes are likewise entirely optional. Your tax dollars paid for this road, you may use it as you see fit.
- When approaching an intersection with a traffic light, slow down,
even int he event that the light has just turned green. Traffic lights
have been known to skip yellow and go straight from green to red, and
you should be ready for this eventuality.
- When stopped at a red light, wait at least three Mississippis before accelerating after the light turns green.
very slowly from a stop to improve gas mileage. This is especially
helpful as the average American car only gets
some nine miles to the gallon (highway).
speed limits are
posted, it is understood that the majority of the driving public will
exceed them. Therefore, the actual speed limit is usually some five to ten miles per hour below the posted limit. Be sure to follow this speed limit at all times.
studies have shown that the human mind is able to simultaneously focus
on as many as six separate tasks at any given time. While driving is a perfect time
to practice this. Take every opportunity to talk on your cell phone, listen to the radio, apply
makeup, shave, eat breakfast, check your stocks, work on your novel,
get dressed, and yell angrily at other
vehicles with which you almost collide.
- Attempt to match
velocities with any vehicle driving alongside you, completely blocking
both lanes of traffic to anyone wishing to travel faster than you.
This is to ensure that any bank robbers
attempting to make their escape along your route are caught and
tortured. Do your civic duty. If you arrive at a stop sign at
approximately the same time as one or more other cars, you
always have the right-of-way. This is true no matter how unsure you
are of who actually reached the intersection first. You may exercise
your right even after other vehicles have begun to progress into the
intersection; they will stop for you.
- Hang out in other
people's blind spots. This is especially
true for semi trucks. Remember: if the other car can't see you,
there's no way they could hit you.
- When turning onto a busy
street, watch out for other vehicles which may be exceeding the speed
limit (see rule 7). If you see any, pull out very quickly in front of
them, forcing them to slow down to avoid hitting you. Continue to
drive at or below the speed limit, making sure that any cars behind you
are now in compliance with the law.
- Do not use your
cruise control. It is part of an automotive industry conspiracy to take control of the nation's cars and
use them to run down schoolchildren. Instead, randomly vary your speed by five to
ten miles per hour to confuse your car's governing A.I. This may cause
you to repeatedly pass and be passed by people on highways who are
using their cruise control. Just remind yourself that when the robot car apocalypse comes, they will be
the first to go.
- Just be a dick.