It Brings the Pickle to You!

You're making a sandwich, perhaps enjoying a handful of potato chips, and you say to yourself, "Boy, a pickle would sure hit the spot!" So you go to the fridge and you get out that jar of sweet midget gherkins. You pry off the lid and, since you don't have a fork handy, stick your hand in the jar to get a few pickles.

But when you get your pickles, your hand is all sticky. Or it gets stuck in the jar. Or it's a particularly large jar and you can't reach the pickles anyway, and here you are elbow-deep in a jar of sweet midgets screaming, "All I wanted was one damn pickle!!!" Why, your afternoon could be ruined, and all because of the pickle that sounded so good a moment ago. Fear not, my friends. The Dean Specialty Foods Group, a division of Dean Foods, has revolutionized the way you eat your pickles!

Meet the PickleVator™! It's an elevator for your pickles! Inside every jar of pickles is a yellow basket. The bottom is as wide as the jar and the rim of the basket comes up about half an inch. From there the basket extends as a thin pole at the top of which is a small handle. It looks like this:

                 |
                 |
                 V Your hand picks up the basket here.

 /      ===============       \
|      ==     ==      ==      |
|             ==              |
|             ==              |
|             ==              |
|             ==    |  Pickles go here!
|             ==    |         |
| ==          ==    V      == |
|   =======================   |
 \___________________________/

Grasping the the basket's handle firmly, lift until the pickles are brought to the top of the jar. No mess, no potential disaster, and best of all--no bothersome trips to the silverware drawer for a fork!

The PickleVator™ is so inventive, it has been recognized across the United States and Canada! In 2000 it won the Clear Choice Award for best packaged food.

But don't take my word for it! See the glory yourself at deanpickle.com

Buyer beware: in the words of a wise, yet mysterious noder, "In Soviet Russia, picklevator brings you to pickle."

There I was, sitting in a large vat of brine, way past my prime pickle days. In fact, you could say that I was starting to become a rancid_pickle. I could've just stayed there in that discarded vat at the abandoned pickle factory in Brooklyn, New York, or I could do something about it.

It was at this low point in my pickley life that I ran across this node on Everything2 using my FutureCastTM television invention that allowed me to see things in the past that I would encounter in the future. I thought to myself, "Whoa, a picklevator is an interesting concept for a rapidly deteriorating cucumber!"

So I bobbed around until I found two sturdy stems and jabbed them into my squishy body. I decided to randomly call these things "arms". Them I felt around and found two larger stems and attached them to my lower half and randomly called these things "legs". It turned out I was lucky with my naming convention because at the time I only spoke cucumber language, which consisted of a single word: "GROW!"

Eventually, this node helped me to become a prolific writer and noder on Everything2 and to develop friendships with a lot of awesome folks who only give me upvotes and chings. Those folks are the best in the universe and I wish them all of the wonderfulness that the pickle deities and human deities can provide.

Iron Noder 2017

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