Dr. Google is not your doctor.
Clay Shirky is brilliant. https://everything2.com/title/Online+Community+Dynamics?lastnode_id=1920074
"Identify internal and external enemies to unite the group." Speaking of enemies, I am informed on March 1, 2022 that I am to be "separated" from everything2 and that lizardinlaw is to take her energies elsewhere. The writer admits I have not explicitly broken any rules. I protest this, it is fascist behavior. Once you start getting rid of people who have not broken the rules, where will it stop?
However, I do note that it is very traditional to pick an older woman and burn her at the stake. And you thought we were civilized. You silly you. Be sure that YOU do not "not explicitly break everything2 rules".
Huge thanks to my mentor that grundoon recommended back in... ?2009?
I am referred to the Mayo Clinic. So far, my cardiologist points out, in 19 years four pulmonologists, four psychiatrists, cardiology, neurology, infectious disease, asthma/allergy, immunology and family practice have not been able to come up with an "overarching diagnosis". The PANDAS diagnosis, though really PANS, is the only "overarching" one, from a decade ago, but no one likes it. Meanwhile, they are all quite clear that bipolar disorder does not cause lung damage and that a year after March 20, 2021, I should not need oxygen. However, I still need oxygen. Thank you deeply for your prayers and kindness to a chronically ill now disabled woman.
Please don't asamoth. I might still read your words. Might hurt too much, we'll see, right?
The Famine Song
You and I just need to learn to be nice girls! That's the SOLUTION! Then boys would like us, and we'd have honorary penisis!
We were pretty different on the outside, but in a way we had two different sets of parents. You had Estie, and KTB, and I had Helen and Mac, and then Mac Passed Out in Hallway, and Helen Codependent. I was a pleaser, and had PLENTY of boobie time, and was really helen's first baby. You had disconnection and sorry, kiddo, your feelings don't COUNT. Mine sort of did, if I was being HAPPY GIRL. ENFP, and INTJ, and how much of that could be traced to early stuff?
Posted as Abuse, Enabler Style and removed.
The two uncles have PhDs and are professors. They marry wives that are lessor in their view. One tells my mother that he wants a woman who is not as bright as he is. I don't know if she is less bright, but she is a hella better athlete. I also have the impression that she had a time where she drank too much.
The other uncle marries a woman who tends to be a hypochondriac. He takes her to India, where she gets polio while pregnant. She is then a sick hypochondriac, which is very difficult. The ill can control their families by planning things and then getting sick at the last moment. On the other hand, chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia are very real and we are on the edge of figuring them out. That uncle divorces his wife and I instantly like both of them better. They stop being a weird unit and are suddenly individuals.
My mother tells me, when I am in college, "I wondered if your father was an alcoholic when I married him." I want to hit her. She won't leave him, she won't stop enabling him, they scream at each other at 2 am often. Now I wonder about that and conclude that either screaming at someone was something she needed or she was an alchoholic too.
After my mother dies, I ask my uncle, what about his parents? After all, the three of them learned enabling somewhere and it pretty much has to be at home.
My uncle tells me his parents had a PERFECT marriage and that my grandmother LOVED being the wife of a physician and professor.
Um, so, then, why did she pay my tuition to medical school, uncle?
And I think about my mother's stories. Once, she says, your Uncle Jim bet his friend Bob that Bob was too chicken to shoot a cigarette out of Jim's mother's mouth. Ooooo. With a rubber band shooter. Yes, my grandmother. Bob took the bet and succeeded. My grandmother roared with anger and the two boys ran like hell and hid.
And someone in the family tells me: your grandfather helped your grandmother control her temper.
There it is. The enabler/enablee.
The enablers die first. My grandfather of cancer at 79, my mother of cancer at 62. The cousins are all angry at me because I won't follow the family rules and triangulate in a satisfactory manner, and I don't care any more. I am ignoring them. I got my father's banjo back and I am done. The two cousins I own land with jointly are not the worst triangulators.
I have to remind myself: for them, this is love. For some people, controlling or being controlled is what functions as love and intimacy. Fighting and tears when person A talks to person C about person B and person C then lets person B know, that is how they feel close. It is not only families, but communities. Cliff Sharkey's description of a group being it's own enemy describes the same patterns: identify an enemy inside or outside the group and then everyone comes together against the enemy. The enemy says the wrong thing, doesn't worship the right god/desses, wears different clothes, looks different. And the group feels safer once the scapegoat has been killed, the guy has been burned. It would be nice if we could burn a ritual guy instead of torching each other.
The real anger is in the enabler. They control it by having the enablee express it. Then it is not "theirs". They can feel superior to the enablee who is out of control. Sadly, the problem is only fixed temporarily and they will need their anger expressed again and again and again.