(This is a letter to a woman who hates me, mostly because she hates everyone her male friends date. Possibly there are other reasons. I don't really know what her issues with me are, specifically. We were never friends. But she was very close (sometimes inappropriately so) with my now ex-husband for decades and she broke with him shortly after my marriage to him ended. Their falling out was a long time coming. She had always wanted more attention from him than he cared to give. I used to say the only person more selfish than my ex was this friend of his. They were often awful to each other. She too demanding, he too inattentive. She lives several hours away so she never felt like they got to spend enough time together. When he started dating one of her new friends, he was travelling out to their city quite a lot. But rather than spending time with his friend, he avoided even telling her he was in town. He also didn't tell her that he was dating her friend. As expected, when she found out, she dropped both my ex and his new girlfriend onto her shit list. Today, two years later, she posted on LJ some thoughts on their split, inspired by her continuing dreams of him. So I wrote to her.)

I realize that hearing from me will probably just make you seething mad and so I apologize for this message. I'm really debating hard about whether to send or not. I mean, I've got nothing to lose, myself. But I don't want to be the shit on your day. Hell, I'm gonna just assume that I'm not actually that powerful and let it fly. (Note: Her privacy settings doesn't allow incoming messages from me, so it really didn't get sent to her. Also, I refer to my ex here as "Envy," not because that's his name but because it's both close enough and somewhat appropriate.)

So, on the off-chance that talking to me will help give you some insight or closure or some kind of useful perspective on your deal with Envy (or anything else), my door's open. Maybe I could provide some dramatic distraction from your usual stress. Maybe there's an entertaining turn of phrase in me somewhere that you can chuckle over. Or whatever. Even if you just think, "I'd rather be lonely than talk to that worthless so-and-so," I'd consider that a win in the mood-boosting game.

We've never seen eye to eye, but I've always been straight with you, so I hope you don't think this is some sordid thing I'm up to. I am the opposite of Machiavellian. And I'm out of Envy's crowd -- I have no social maneuverings to make. I have some curiosity. I like to make peace. I like to know people better and be known better. I get lonely, too, and sometimes enjoy out-of-the-blue missives from randos. I like to see the record set straight. And there are things I like about you. I've always thought you were an entertaining writer. I love the tapestry project. I don't know. I'm just reaching out because I do that sometimes. I'm either a glutton for punishment or I watch too many change-of-heart movies. Possibly both.

I'm not sure what Envy told you about me over the years or about our break-up. He has many terrific qualities but his relationship with honesty is not always good. It bothers me that he is the primary news source for so many. I mean, I let that happen, because image is so important to him. I stopped talking to the groups of people that make up his social sphere precisely because he wanted to be free to spin things his own way. He did not want me to interfere with that by offering another perspective or countering his version of the facts.

OK, putting on the brakes for a sec. Just realized, even if you wanted to have some dialogue, there are too many social connections between the two of you for you to talk to me without ripples possibly affecting him. So maybe we don't talk about my marriage at all. He's a lovely character (and sometimes a royal shitbag, but aren't we all?) and I have no interest in making any drama for him. Apparently I'm still on his PR team.

But the offer stands -- if I can help you in any way, my door's open.

I was sad when I realized you guys had had a final falling out. It was obvious to me over the years that both of you cared about each other. Just not enough in the ways that each of you expected from the other to keep things from going continually sour. Anyway, I was not surprised but still... sad. I like to see people work things out. I like people to be connected and supportive of each other. Or if that doesn't work, disconnected but still supportive of each other. I don't understand feuds and bitterness and continuing feelings of alienation. I wish Envy all the best. And you.

I know Envy and I are better off without each other. We did our thing, we grew tremendously together, and then we shook apart. And now we can be our own people and that's been wonderful. I know you have some sort of issue with his new girl. I don't know her but from the little I've heard, she seems good and good for him.

Still, you are are almost certainly better off without them. Too many personality conflicts there, too many misunderstandings and failed expectations. But I don't think anyone has to feel like crap forever about going their separate ways. You made an emotional decision to part, and I'm sure it was ugly at the time, but you can let go of all the lingering unpleasantness. Maybe that's just something that you and he both like to do -- regrets and recriminations. If you like it, that's cool. But if you want to try to find a way to feel better about stuff and if I can help that happen, I'll surely try. OK. Gonna go fuck off now. Ball's in your court. Sorry again if this is just salt on a wound. I hope it's not. You can block me or whatever if you want, however it works, but if I don't hear from you, I'm not going to subject you to this more than once. It's not that big of a deal. An idle fancy. Anyway, enjoy the rest of your day.

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