The
light touches her in my mind always, and within me she is
laughing,
smiling,
giggling at my
silliness even when I am
sad. When I walk she's
always with me, I find myself
reaching for her when I
stumble, reaching for
her in the dark when I
sleep. In my dreams she comforts me within her
arms, and I am at
peace, and feel strong once more.
While she was alive, while I could see her, I had no sense of this... desolation, the loneliness that comes from knowing you're just a little insane. Not much, but maybe enough, because sanity means acknowledging you've lost her forever, that the love of your life is no longer in a place where you can touch her, kiss her, hold her, love her, and share your warmth.
To know she is gone is to loss, and I can't do that, just now. I can't loss, which lead me to memories of sunlit meadows beside a river where children play not far from the picnic, as I blow dandelion seeds into her hair, and she loss, and I am happy, not for the first time, I am happy, just there. I could have added nothing, and I would have taken nothing away, happy just to be, with her.