A Handlebar moustache is a quaint facial hair grooming style. The overall idea is to use a stiffening agent like pomade or, more likely, moustache wax to mold your lip ferret into an attention-getting shape like handlebars for a bicycle.

I used to have one when I was still a twenty-something idiot. The women I hung out with liked the look and they told me it smelled like Fruit Loops when they kissed me. Some of them must have really liked that cereal because they visited it a lot.

I decided I'd like to start wearing one again to go along with my bushy grey goatee of doom. Twisted Missuz and I were at FearCon in Salt Lake City last month. We were selling books and sitting on convention panels. Lucky for me, the folks at the next booth were selling beard oil, lip balm, and moustache wax. My wife found a wax that she liked and picked up a tin for me.

I'm growing the ends of my moustache out right now, since I would trim it to forego getting extra protein when I accidentally ate parts of my 'stache with every meal. The wax smells great, and I'm practicing shaping the broom under my nose. It takes a while to get it just right, and then it takes a while to get the routine down. The ends will end up getting curled into almost a full circle. If I like the final results, I'll have to get a new set of author photos taken.

Iron Noder 2017

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