handcuffs

A tool of the trade for law enforcement officers, prison wardens, and security personnel. Can also be used in other varied situations, often with interesting results.

A filk to the tune of Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend

A silk scarf or two may be sophisticated,
But handcuffs are a girls best friend
A rope may be grand, but it's somewhat outdated,
And a modern lass,
Would think it crass,
And always pass

Chains are neat, and shackles sweet
But they both lose their charms in the end
But standard or fur-lined
Your cuffs are for all time
Yes handcuffs are a girls best friend

There may come a time when a chick needs some leather
But handcuffs are a girl's best friend
There may come a time when boots and whips go together
Now they may look tough
But without your cuffs
They're only stuff

He's your guy when heels are high
But beware when they start to descend
You know when you find him
You'll need something to bind him
Yes handcuffs are a girls best friend

I've heard of affairs where no pain is exerted
But handcuffs are a girl's best friend
And I think affairs that are somewhat perverted
Are much better bets
And my little pets aren't leaving yet

Time rolls on, and youth is gone
And even leather will crack when you bend
But sunshine, or rain dear,
You'll be happy in chains dear
Handcuffs are a girl's...best... friend

One of my most vivid memories of my long since deceased grandfather involved a pair of play handcuffs that my parents kept in their bedside table. Why they had handcuffs in their bedside table and what that funny looking, vibrating pink tube was I did not question at my tender age of 5 (and would still rather not question now).

Now of course play hand cuffs have that little switch which makes them never really locked. So, my "magic trick" was to handcuff my grandfather and then show him how to release the handcuffs without using the key.

Of course, I put them on his hands too tight, the switch did not work, and stupid me, I had never bothered to look for the key since the switch had always worked for me.

It wasn't until about 14 years later when I found myself in a similar situation (this time involving a similar vibrating pink tube) that I could truly appreciate why he got so angry when I told him I didn't have a key.

What could possibly compel someone to wear handcuffs as jewelry? Simple: a significant other and a weird sense of style.

Sex, right? I wish.

Depression. She pushed everyone away, sometimes physically, when she got depressed. I'll never understand why anyone would leave her alone in that state, considering her well-hidden desire to live.

I promised that I'd stay with her whenever she was like that; I'd never let her scare me away. If I needed to, I'd handcuff myself to her.

Luckily, I had asked for a pair of real handcuffs as a little kid. One of my uncles sells police gear, so there weren't any problems with procurement. They had been hibernating in a drawer, unused, until now.

Now I proudly wore them, both cuffs on my left wrist, as proof of my claim. I eventually started wearing them in public. That's when the questions started.

"Dude! Can I see those?"

No. You'll cuff somebody or me (I'm a thin, defenseless geek), and I'll be blamed.

Some of the eerier requests came from teachers. I was attracting so much attention that they would broach the subject in the middle of a lecture.

"Are those real?"

I would show them the serial number, mechanism, etc. until they were satisfied.

One teacher asked me to handcuff her. I hope that doesn't say something about the faculty of my local highschool.

"Why are you wearing those?"

Kinky bondage sex.

At that point, the class would dissolve into a state of total abandon. I must have disrupted plenty of lesson plans that first week. I hadn't originally worn them for attention, but I certainly didn't mind.

Unfortunately, handcuffs aren't the most comfortable pieces of jewelry. Care should be taken to lock them properly; I always made sure to toggle the notches in them to prevent further tightening. Noticeable weight, light bruising and scraping can be annoying, but I grew accustomed quickly.

Of course, you could always use them for mundane reasons, but where's the fun in that?