Do a quick search on E2 for 'Garlic Mushrooms' and you could be forgiven for thinking that you'd stumbled upon the website of the International Hallucinogen Society. Fear not, gentle reader, I shall herein restore the balance of virtue with this vague recipe for fairly acceptable garlic mushrooms. This makes a good dish to accompany anything vaguely fancy. Anything that takes more than two pans to make can be improved with garlic mushrooms.

You need:
Pan (1)
Sharp knife (1)
Chopping board (1)
(Wooden) spoon (1)
A hob or small fire

Mushrooms (some)
Garlic (2 or 3 of the little segments)
Butter (from a cow)
Double cream (also from a cow)
Chopped parsley, dried or fresh (a decent pinch)

What to do:

Peel and chop up the garlic. Don't use the garlic press unless you're planning on doing the washing up, and in fact don't use it anyway because it always deposits little flecks of red paint in the food. Don't cut yourself.

Chop up the mushrooms if you like. Mushrooms are pretty hard to mess up, you just keep cooking them until they look yummy. If you do slice them keep the slices 2mm or above in thickness or you'll just end up with goop. Also mushrooms tend to shrink so prepare about 20-50% more than you think you need. If you're a bit precious you might want to wash the dirt off the mushrooms first on account of it actually being, err, poo. Mushrooms are grown in poo y'see.

Ok, turn on a small hob to max (gas hobs are best for this) and put the pan on. It will start to get warm. You can test this by putting your face on the pan if you like. Cut off a large lump of butter about the size of a large garden gnome's eyeball (were gnomes' eyeballs to be separate from the rest of the gnome). Plonk the garlic in and squadge it about a bit. If you haven't been taught how to squadge then just mix it around in the pan with the butter.

Wait for 8 seconds.

Put some mushrooms in. Then put the rest of the mushrooms in. Stir and toss gently until all the mushrooms are covered in the butter. If there's not enough butter and the mushrooms are still dry then add more butter. If there's too much butter then you've ruined the dish and possibly your whole kitchen you idiot. But you could just add another mushroom.

From the point of the butter melting to about 30 seconds after you've added the mushrooms it will make that cool 'cooking' sizzly noise. Then it will stop. This is NOT your cue to add a bunch more butter. Just stir it occasionally to stop any bits of mushroom at the bottom from burning.

When it looks about half done chuck in the pinch of chopped parsley. This makes it taste funny and the little green bits will make it look like a real dish like off TV. Stir like you know what you're doing.

When the mushrooms look about 93% yummy add a little bit of cream. It's important that you get the amount of cream just right. Too much will turn it into a bowl of cream, and too little will give you cancer of the foreskin. Even for girls.

Stir a bit more then serve. Eat with your mouth.

Wash up, go to bed, dream of tigers.

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